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Last night’s “American Idol” proved that there is no secret with this year’s competition. The ladies are making the guys look bad. Real bad. The judges keep saying it, and America can’t ignore it. But it’s not all the ladies. It’s a powerful quartet of Melinda, Lakisha, Stephanie and Sabrina that brings an A-game every week and is making everyone else look like weak amateurs.

It’s worth noting that the little war of words between Simon and Ryan gets more and more excruciating every week. And that Paula gets drunker every week. The producers may call it the charm of the show, but it’s all got to stop before someone gets hurt. You think Simon won’t beat the shit out of Ryan? I’m betting on the buzz cut if that happens.

Anyway, as far as last night’s performances, here we go…..

THE REALLY GOOD

I’m keeping Melinda Doolittle in this lofty class, because she anchored last night’s show in fine fashion once again, belting out “Woman” with the conviction of someone who has her eye on the prize and isn’t going to stop until May. You can’t tell me there was a single flaw in Melinda’s performance. This girl is a star in the making and until someone else raises their game, she is the favorite to win it all. Randy said it was the hottest performance of the night, Paula said it was fantastic and Simon called Melinda a “little tiger,” adding that Melinda seemed to be having fun on top of being incredibly gifted.

THE GOOD

Lakisha Jones took on Whitney Houston’s “If I Don’t Have You” and while it wasn’t her best performance, she was second-best last night. There is a short list of singers in this competition that could do that song justice and Lakisha is on that list. Randy said it wasn’t her best but was still great, Paula said Lakisha is going to stick around a while, and Simon said she had passion and believability and that she looked great this week.

Jordin Sparks kicked off the night with Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker.” Not only was she having fun, but so was Ricky Minor and the band. While Jordin was off-key in spots, she was still outstanding. Randy said it wasn’t Jordin’s best, but still better than every guy who sang Tuesday night. Amen to that. Simon called Jordin’s performance a bit shrieky but that she definitely shows personality.

Stephanie Edwards sang Chaka Khan’s “Sweet Thing,” and Chaka’s shoes were obviously a bit large to fill. She wasn’t at her best, but was still better than the girls below this line, and better than every guy.
Randy said it was just okay, Paula disagreed and said it was near flawless and Simon said that while Stephanie isn’t very original, she is 100% going to be in the finals. Agreed.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Sabrina Sloan was not at her best last night but she too was still better than most of the dudes. She was a little shouty and this is a problem with her. I think she’s one of the top six girls easily but she can’t go head to head with Melinda or Lakisha. Randy said it wasn’t Sabrina’s best, Paula said there’s no question she can sing, and Simon thought Sabrina was lacking emotion. I still think she’s safe.

Gina Glockson sang an Evanescence song and said it fit her personality better than anything she’s done in recent weeks. She was off key at the start but brought her game as the song progressed. This girl annoys me almost as much as Sundance and almost as much as Evanescence, and she has a chance of going home this week. Randy said it was the real Gina, Paula agreed but said that she should be careful not to oversing, and Simon said Gina finally looked comfortable.

THE BAD

Antonella keeps landing in this category and yet America keeps her in this thing. I have to say, she wasn’t as awful as usual last night, but at the end of the show when they showed clips of all eight performers, Antonella was the pasta equivalent of ramen noodles. She sang Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On” and Randy and Paula both thought it was a good song choice. Simon said that Antonella has gone as far as she can, because she’s simply surrounded by great singers. Exactly. So America, please stop the insanity.

Haley Scarnato was even worse than Antonella last night. This girl is really good-looking but she too is outclassed by most of the other ladies. Randy said Haley was just okay, and Simon said it was “horrible” and “ghastly,” and even worse, he said he didn’t even remember Haley’s name from week to week. That’s about as low a blow as you can get, but you can’t say he’s wrong. I’d be really surprised if Haley isn’t heading back to Texas tonight.

So here’s the deal….Haley and Antonella should be going home tonight, but I don’t trust the American voters to get it right. Just like Sanjaya keeps getting more chances, so will Antonella. So I’m picking Haley and Gina to go home. For the guys, Jared and Phil. America, please prove me wrong this time and send Sanjaya and Antonella into the sunset.

Oooh, Carrie Underwood tonight….and some big surprise from Ryan Seacrest…..the biggest announcement ever on the show or something. Yeah, I don’t really care either and I’m not buying a stupid Ford. Oh, and one more thing. I AM smarter than a fifth grader. You read it here. Now go enjoy the results show tonight….

You would have thought the dude contestants remaining on “American Idol” have learned something.
Last week, for the most part, they stepped up their game. But last night almost all of them reverted back to two weeks ago when they played it safe and bored the crap out of America. Some of the judges even admitted that only three or four of these guys deserve to be in the top 12. Of course, six of them will be, because that’s how the show is set up. But more bland performances will mean early exits for all of these guys.

Before we get started on last night’s recap, Ryan Seacrest said there is a big announcement coming Thursday. What, that he is a douchebag? We already knew that. Just keep sucking up to the sponsors, Ryan…and we’ll all be on the edge of our seats. Also, Season 4 champ and country mega-star Carrie Underwood will perform on Thursday night, and America will get a glimpse of just how much better Stephanie, Lakisha, Melinda and Sabrina are than her. I just hope they don’t have Underwood dolled up in the same southern-suburban-mom-with-fake-boobs look they gave Kellie Pickler.

On to last night….

THE GOOD

Chris Sligh closed out the night, and even though it was like a 7 out of 10, he was still better than every other dude. Randy admitted that it was not his favorite performance of Chris’ but that it was the best vocal of the night, Paula said the same thing, and Simon said it sounded like Chris was shouting toward the end. All true, but this guy is safe and is one of the few guys who deserves to be in the top 12.

Blake Lewis kicked off the show with 311’s “All Mixed Up” which effectively showcased his beat-boxing, vocals and showmanship all at once. Still, this wasn’t Blake’s best showing either. Randy said it was hot, Paula said it was interesting, and Simon said he didn’t understand a word of it but that Blake continues to stand out. It was pretty funny that both Randy and Paula admitted to not knowing the song.

I hesitate to put Brandon Rogers in this class, because I know he can do better than his version of Rare Earth’s “Celebrate,” but he was still better than at least five other guys. Randy said it was solid, Paula said it was phenonmenal (that’s a stretch), and Simon said he was nervous for Brandon because he’s just not as memorable as the girls. Well, that’s true to a point, but he’s still better than most of the guys.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Chris Richardson took a step back last night when he put his own spin on a Keith Urban tune. Randy thought it was good and Paula thought it was cool and a unique song choice. Simon said it was good but not the best vocal of the night. This kid really blew it out last week and this performance was just bland by comparison.

Jared Cotter sang Stevie Wonder’s “If You Really Love Me” and it really was not bad. But I can’t get this out of my head, the fact that Jared is no more than a really good karaoke singer. Paula even said that Jared needs to work on his “shouting,” and Simon said it wasn’t very original. I think this dude is in danger of going home, especially if those idiots who vote for the worst keep Sanjaya in one more week.

Sundance Head really annoys me. I mean, I’m just waiting for him to spontaneously combust on national TV. They talked about him crying for votes last week when contestants were eliminated…in fact, Simon called him out on it and I can’t say I disagree. Sundance sang Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” and it was like a wedding band performance. Randy said it fit with Sundance’s “Southern rock” vibe…..what??
Randy, did you miss the whole modern rock movement of the nineties? You don’t know who 311 is or what genre Pearl Jam is in? Simon said it wasn’t as good as last week, that Sundance reminded him of a bar singer. Exactly. But somehow America loves this guy. I don’t get it.

THE BAD

My wife doesn’t agree with me on this, but I think Phil Stacy really sucked last night and could be on his way out. Phil attempted at LeAnn Rimes tune…..dude, have you not noticed that you have balls in your shorts? Anyway, he was all over the place and was wearing this hat that looked ridiculous. Randy said Phil has problems with his lower register and Paula said it wasn’t a good song choice. Simon said he didn’t get it, and the whole hat/big eyes thing was distracting too. I just know that Simon doesn’t like bald guys, period. But still, Phil was awful after a week in which I had him pegged as one of the best guys. It remains to be seen if his earlier performances can keep him in this thing.

Sanjaya was the worst as usual, singing John Mayer’s “Waiting On the World to Change.” Not only was it a boring song choice, but this kid gets worse every week. His performance was so uninspiring I literally stopped paying attention. Randy said dude hasn’t returned to the form of his early auditions, Paula said all the other guys are better and Simon said it wasn’t as “ghastly” as last week but that more than that, it wasn’t a good vocal and this is a singing competition. Unfortunately I’ve seen America screw up with this kid two weeks in a row and so I can’t say they will get it right this week, either.

So there you have it. I think Sanjaya and Phil should go home but I just don’t trust the voters. So I think it’s going to be Jared and Phil, or possibly Brandon. For you people who keep voting for Sanjaya, keep looking at yourself in the mirror and repeat these words: “William Hung.” When the image haunts you enough, come to your senses and vote for the real singers in this thing.

The ladies go tonight and I just know at least four of them are going to bring the house down. And I know they won’t bore me like the guys did. See you all tomorrow….