Season 7 of the hit Fox reality show “American Idol” began last night, and it was with the usual stars and freaks that make it to the TV portion of the opening round. The first auditions were held in Philadelphia, so after they went through the usual crap about the Liberty Bell and Brotherly Love, it was on to the performances. And as always with these opening shows, there were highlights and lowlights.
First, the freaks….
“Yuka” sang a Bee Gees song, but before he did said something about how women find him sexy, and that he loves women from their “heads to their nipples.” Are you kidding me? Do I even have to tell you how his performance was?
James Lewis, a Philly tour guide who said his customers encouraged him to audition (note that these were tourists who would likely never see him again), said he was inspired by the likes of Eddie Vedder. So what does he sing? A standard, “Go Down Moses,” which he pretty much sang on one really low note, both literally and figuratively. Paula and Randy could not stop laughing, and neither could I.
Temptress Brown, a 16-year-old with an ailing mom (there are two hours to fill, people!), said she was a football player—a linebacker to be precise, so you know she is not small.
Temptress had an awful voice, and when the judges let her know this, she started crying uncontrollably. Even Simon was sympathetic though, and all three judges hugged Temptress and walked her out to her family.
Mark Hayes, an 18-year-old dude who can simulate cricket noise, attempted “White Christmas,” and then real crickets started chirping.
Then there was Udgeet. Seriously, did anyone named John or Joe or Lisa audition? Anyway, this dude admitted that in his day job at an auto finance company, he incorporated music and fun, doing things like MC Hammer impersonations. So ol’ Udgeet proceeded to sing Sinatra’s “My Way” on one note…seriously. Simon properly told him to go back to his day job.
Alexis Cohen, who they showed to be living in a crappy apartment with her mom and about 12 cats, seemed harmless at first, and then sang Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody To Love.” Her voice wasn’t horrible, but she was shouting and appeared to be nervous and uncomfortable. Then when she got the bad news, it was like someone flipped a switch, or the producers egged her on, because Alexis went nuts, throwing F-bombs and attempting to moon Simon to the camera…thankfully without actually pulling her pants down.
Milo Turk, a creepy Continue reading »
