Last night’s “American Idol” featured primary auditions from Dallas, Texas. And the show had to harp on the fact that this is where they found Kelly Clarkson six years ago..and I mean, they HARPED on it. Back away from yourselves Idol, we all know your impact on pop music and that you suck us all in to watch these first episodes of frogs and princesses.

With that, here are the frogs and princesses from last night:

Paul Stafford, a park attendant who they showed picking up trash at work, looked like a real-life Dilbert, and he sang just like you would expect him to. Next.

Beth, a singing waitress who was borderline obsessed with Kelly Clarkson, was not as good as you would expect. Simon commented that he couldn’t understand a word Beth was singing, and I completely agree.

Then there was Bruce, who admitted that he, at 19, has never kissed a girl. What’s more, he had some stupid key on a necklace because he’s waiting for the perfect woman to unlock her heart. That sound you just heard is every eligible woman in America running the other way. Still, Bruce sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” and wasn’t all that bad, but not good enough.

There was a student from Austin, and forgive me, I didn’t write down his name…but he was the dude who read that Christina Aguilera saved her voice by doing extensive warmup exercises. So he goes into his audition, turns around to warm up, and proceeds to sing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On a Prayer” completely off-key. What’s more, he keeps singing and warming up and singing and warming up until the security folks escorted him away.

Tammy, who said she was inspired by Celine Dion (ed. note: YUCK), was boring as she sang Celine’s “Power of Love” on one horrible falsetto note.

Angela Reilly showed off her husband, who is a model, and then proceeded to sing and do weird snapping finger and thumb things like Elaine from “Seinfeld.” She wasn’t awful, but not nearly good enough for Hollywood. At least, as the judges said, her husband really loves her.

Finally, there was Renaldo, a 44-year-old Asian looking dude who wore a big white cowboy hat and some sort of weird cape. This was pure comedy to close out the show, as he was too old to compete anyway. Renaldo sang his own song, “We’re Brothers Forever,” and Randy and Paula got up on stage and sang and danced with him, while Simon laughed his ass off. That was pretty funny. But what wasn’t funny is that the stupid song was going through my head as I was trying to fall asleep last night. Thankfully I don’t remember how it went now, and hopefully the guy that signed William Hung won’t sign Renaldo.

Okay, now for the princesses….

Jessica Brown was the first audition they showed. Jessica overcame a drug addiction, and is now married with 2 kids. Not only that, the girl has some pipes, and advanced.

Alaina Whitaker, who looked a bit like Carrie Underwood but at 16 seemed a little naive and not very smart, sang Faith Hill’s “Stronger” and it was way better than I thought it would be. She is a natural, and I’m pegging her for potential greatness right here, right now. I mean, she was better than Carrie Underwood AND Faith Hill, and she’s only 16.

Pia, a 24 year old backup singer, might be this year’s Melinda Doolittle. She sang Gladys Knight and was awesome. Okay, Melinda was other-worldly, but Pia was still very good.

Brandon, a dude who saves his fingernail clippings in a plastic bag (excuse me while I vomit, and kudos to Ryan Seacrest for gagging but not letting any vomit out), was a good ol’ boy from Mississippi.
And he wasn’t bad, though as Simon said was a bit karaoke sounding. Still, Paula and Randy let him through.

Kayla Hatfield, a farm girl who was in a really bad car accident a few years ago that almost took her life and did take one of her eyes, was so full of energy that the judges didn’t even realize she wasn’t that good of a singer. Amazingly, Paula said no and Randy and Simon both said yes.

Kady Molloy, an 18-year-old who was really cute, did her best Britney Spears impression and followed that up with her best Carrie Underwood impression. But when she actually used her own voice, she was really impressive. Simon said she was the best so far, and that’s ridiculous, but she was pretty good.

Kyle, a 21-year old future politician, sang Queen’s “Somebody To Love,” and was really not bad.
Way better than what I expected and probably way better than the judges expected. He sounded like a choir singer, but still, he was good enough to advance and will be good for ratings.

Colton was a kid from a rock band in Texas who sang Little Big Town’s “Boon Docks” and though it was a bit karaoke, was good enough.

Drew, a 24-year-old farm boy from Mississippi, and I mean FARM BOY, sang George Strait’s “Check Yes or No” and while Simon said no, Randy and Paula disagreed and let him through. This guy has never been on a plane before, so him going to Hollywood c0uld be strictly for ratings.

Finally, 24-year-old Nina Shaw sang Whitney’s “Run To You,” and while Simon correctly pointed out that it was “old-fashioned” and “pageanty,” Randy and Paula let her through.

So that’s it. Next week we move out to San Diego, which is only a few hours from Hollywood, right? Well, I’m sure they are going to torture us with at least 5 or 6 more two-hour audition rounds before we start getting to the meat of this competition. See you all next week, and thanks for reading…