Category: Rock (Page 191 of 241)

Last night, thanks to George W’s State of the Union Address, we only had to endure one hour of “American Idol” and its Memphis auditions. That meant less Ryan Seacrest, less fluff, and more meaty auditions. And of course, there were more contestants being discarded like bad meat. With all of the lousy singers attempting to become the next American Idol, you get the feeling that the well of good singers in this country is drying up. Fast.

But first, let’s review the contestants that actually DID sing well, hence moving on to Hollywood:

This dude named Sundance Head, who admitted that his parents were hippies and gave him that crazy name, is also the son of Roy Head, who had some success on the pop charts a few decades ago. Genes aside, dude sang his ass off. Simon said he’d be surprised if Sundance didn’t make the finals, and added that he “blew Taylor (Hicks) out of the park.” Wow, strong statement and an unnecessary jab at the reigning champ.

Sean Michel, who looked like a cross between Osama Bin Laden and a homeless dude (Sean’s own reference and an accurate one), did a Johnny Cash song and was barely good enough of a vocalist to allow the judges to look past his appearance. Look for this guy to flame out in Hollywood very early.

Then there was Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer from Nashville who looked terrified and admitted to being as scared as she looked. Then she opened her mouth, and (you heard it hear first) sang her way into sure stardom. Her version of “For Once in My Life” was so incredible that I’m predicting a top five finish right here, right now.

The last contestant to earn a ticket to Hollywood was Phil, whose wife decided to give birth to the couple’s second child while Daddy was waiting in line to audition. And while both of the songs he chose showed a man who started off shaky, he found his tone and pitch just in time, and was voted on through. Dude gets additional props for admitting that the birth of his child was a bigger thrill than auditioning for the show.

For the lousy auditions, well, nothing surprises me or any of you anymore….

First, there was Frank Byers, the cheerleader coach who brought along his entire squad to cheer him on. He was okay, but had this cabaret quality about his voice that turned the judges off instantly.

Sixteen-year-old Timika talked and sang like she had a mouth full of marbles. Simon admitted that he couldn’t understand a word she sang, and it’s likely most of America couldn’t either.

Christopher, who goes by “Topher” instead of “Chris,” had an obvious crush on Paula, and went on and on about his ex-wife, even calling her a bleeping “bitch” on national TV. Aside from the fact that dude has been eating too many Big Macs, his version of “Footloose” was not quite good enough to advance him to Hollywood and make his ex-wife jealous in the process. In fact, her attorney might be on the phone to ol’ Topher after that blast aired last night.

Janita, who had her melons dangling out of her dress like key chains, proclaimed herself to be sexy but she was, as Simon so accurately pointed out, “a handful.” Randy called her version of “Disco Inferno” “bad karaoke” and that’s pretty accurate. Now put those things away, Janita.

Of course, they had to pay tribute to Elvis somehow, but thankfully they didn’t beat King references to death. When Robert attempted “Burning Love,” and I mean attempted, the producers launched into a series of bad contestants trying to sing the same tune. One dude even pulled a sock out of his pants, to symbolize the “hunk of burning love” in his pants. What are we coming to, people?

Tonight we have the New York City auditions, and I’m sure you all can’t wait for the freak show that will no doubt ensue. See you tomorrow….

After Tuesday’s Minneapolis auditions that were pretty much awful, “American Idol” showed up in rainy Seattle for the next wave of crappy contestants. Okay, they weren’t all bad, but there were 9,000 entrants and on Seattle’s first day only 7 were Hollywood bound. Is the talent pool diminishing? I guess we’ll find out.

Let’s start again with the talented bunch. Tommy Daniels, who auditioned last year but didn’t quite make it to the Randy/Paula/Simon room, sang Amos Lee and he was awesome. In fact he kind of made it look easy. Keep an eye on this kid, I have a feeling about him.

The brother/sister combo (don’t even ask me to pronounce or spell their names) “were so cute!” to paraphrase the wife. They talked about how their dad was a talented singer in his native India so you knew they had good genes going in. And though both were a bit shy, holy crap, could they sing. The dude was even better than his sister. Keep an eye on these two as well….they could be duking it out against each other as this thing progresses.

Blake, aka the “beat boy,” did such an amazing job impersonating a beat box and bass guitar that he could only disappoint with his vocal ability. Lucky for him he was just good enough to advance, even though Simon said Paula was “easily pleased.”

Anna, a 6’4″ chick who sang Aretha Franklin, had to be distracted by Randy and Paula growling at Simon during her audition. Simon referred to her as a giraffe, and I’m starting to think that Simon spends a lot of time in zoos or on safaris.

A guy named Rodolfo did a nice job with Journey’s “Open Arms” and advanced, and the only other one advancing that they showed was a 16-year-old girl named Jordin Sparks who sang Celine Dion really well. We all love Celine, don’t we? ( someone please help me dislodge the index finger from my throat)Additional props to Jordin from yours truly because she is the daughter of former New York Football Giant cornerback Phillippi Sparks. What the hell has become of the Giants defense anyway? Sorry, couldn’t help it.

So since that was all the producers decided to show us of the talented ones, you know they filled up most of the two hours with crap, otherwise known as the ones that bring the ratings. Here are some of the lowlights of those performances:

Jennifer, who called herself “The Hotness,” was about as hot as Canada in February. I mean, blech. She couldn’t sing her way out of the paper bag they should have put on her head, but then she added insult when she started taking shots at the judges. She said Simon was probably used to listening to “that back country English sheep stuff” and that his opinion “don’t mean nothing.” Okay, your Hotness, go cool down now. Back country English sheep stuff? We’re not making this stuff up, people, she really said that.

Misha (her real name is Darwin…which begs the question…why the hell do these kids have names that they don’t use?) was a large, nerdy woman who desperately needed a bra. Mrs. Mikey pointed that out first, but you couldn’t miss those heavy pancakes flopping around. Again, blech. Misha looked like a cartoon character and made things worse by attempting the Pussycat Dolls.

Melissa, who went under the name Carleen (are you sensing a pattern here?) had arms that looked like legs and legs that looked like tree trunks. And Simon accurately made reference to the red body stocking she was wearing that made her look sunburned. Naturally, she sucked.

Nick Zitzmann kept blinking to the point that it was distracting, but he didn’t sing well either. And David Mills did a poor job with “Lean On Me,” but the refreshing part was when he said afterward that his audition was a personal “wake up call.” Attaboy, David.

Then they showed two sort of misfit friends. The first was Kenneth, who Simon (again, accurately) depicted as a wild monkey with massive eyes. I mean, those eyes were something we’re all going to have nightmares about. Then his buddy, the obviously overweight Jonathan, gave a go at “God Bless America.” He wasn’t all that bad, but the fact that he kept changing keys in the middle of the song did him in. Simon made a comment that Jonathan had borrowed Randy’s pants, which was pretty funny.

Then there was Eric, the Taylor Hicks lookalike and soundalike…well, not really soundalike. Dude is a hairdresser with graying hair (or did he color it gray?) and after attempting to sing, he’s going back to cutting hair. But after the audition he tried to go put some gel in Simon’s hair and security whisked him off. Dude, what the hell did you expect to happen?

Finally, there was Steven…..who sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” so utterly bad that there really are no words to describe it. But I’ll say one thing…some of these awful auditions, or what they show of them, go on FOREVER. I mean, stick a fork in these kids before they burn on the stove.

Next up is the musical mecca of Memphis, and Fox is likely to bring Elvis references until we want to vomit.

Holy crap, I just realized it’s the end of my second entry and I haven’t made reference to Ryan Seacrest more than once. He really hasn’t been that annoying yet, but the crappy auditions are just overshadowing him.

See you next week….