Last night, thanks to George W’s State of the Union Address, we only had to endure one hour of “American Idol” and its Memphis auditions. That meant less Ryan Seacrest, less fluff, and more meaty auditions. And of course, there were more contestants being discarded like bad meat. With all of the lousy singers attempting to become the next American Idol, you get the feeling that the well of good singers in this country is drying up. Fast.
But first, let’s review the contestants that actually DID sing well, hence moving on to Hollywood:
This dude named Sundance Head, who admitted that his parents were hippies and gave him that crazy name, is also the son of Roy Head, who had some success on the pop charts a few decades ago. Genes aside, dude sang his ass off. Simon said he’d be surprised if Sundance didn’t make the finals, and added that he “blew Taylor (Hicks) out of the park.” Wow, strong statement and an unnecessary jab at the reigning champ.
Sean Michel, who looked like a cross between Osama Bin Laden and a homeless dude (Sean’s own reference and an accurate one), did a Johnny Cash song and was barely good enough of a vocalist to allow the judges to look past his appearance. Look for this guy to flame out in Hollywood very early.
Then there was Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer from Nashville who looked terrified and admitted to being as scared as she looked. Then she opened her mouth, and (you heard it hear first) sang her way into sure stardom. Her version of “For Once in My Life” was so incredible that I’m predicting a top five finish right here, right now.
The last contestant to earn a ticket to Hollywood was Phil, whose wife decided to give birth to the couple’s second child while Daddy was waiting in line to audition. And while both of the songs he chose showed a man who started off shaky, he found his tone and pitch just in time, and was voted on through. Dude gets additional props for admitting that the birth of his child was a bigger thrill than auditioning for the show.
For the lousy auditions, well, nothing surprises me or any of you anymore….
First, there was Frank Byers, the cheerleader coach who brought along his entire squad to cheer him on. He was okay, but had this cabaret quality about his voice that turned the judges off instantly.
Sixteen-year-old Timika talked and sang like she had a mouth full of marbles. Simon admitted that he couldn’t understand a word she sang, and it’s likely most of America couldn’t either.
Christopher, who goes by “Topher” instead of “Chris,” had an obvious crush on Paula, and went on and on about his ex-wife, even calling her a bleeping “bitch” on national TV. Aside from the fact that dude has been eating too many Big Macs, his version of “Footloose” was not quite good enough to advance him to Hollywood and make his ex-wife jealous in the process. In fact, her attorney might be on the phone to ol’ Topher after that blast aired last night.
Janita, who had her melons dangling out of her dress like key chains, proclaimed herself to be sexy but she was, as Simon so accurately pointed out, “a handful.” Randy called her version of “Disco Inferno” “bad karaoke” and that’s pretty accurate. Now put those things away, Janita.
Of course, they had to pay tribute to Elvis somehow, but thankfully they didn’t beat King references to death. When Robert attempted “Burning Love,” and I mean attempted, the producers launched into a series of bad contestants trying to sing the same tune. One dude even pulled a sock out of his pants, to symbolize the “hunk of burning love” in his pants. What are we coming to, people?
Tonight we have the New York City auditions, and I’m sure you all can’t wait for the freak show that will no doubt ensue. See you tomorrow….
