This is the first time I’ve watched the show in at least 10 years. Let’s see if it’s any different than I remember it.
8:06 PM: So I wouldn’t miss hearing the pizza guy, I had the TV off until it came (TV’s in the basement). When I turned it on, Madonna was singing “Hung Up” in what looks like an outfit Olivia Newton-John wore in “Xanadu.” When it ended, I took a long look at the roller disco diva, and thought, “Yeah, I’d still do her.”
8:10 PM: Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder riff “Higher Ground” a cappella. Pretty cool, but if she says one more time what an honor it is to be standing next to Steve Wonder, I’m having Stevie Wonder killed, so his death hangs on Keys’ conscience for the rest of her life.
8:13 PM: Best Female Pop Vocal: Kelly Clarkson, “Since U Been Gone”
Clarkson’s acceptance speech sounded just like Giovanni Jones after Bugs Bunny sprayed some alum in his throat mister. Squeak squeakety squeak squeaker.
8:15 PM: Coldplay performs “Talk”
I dig Chris Martin’s shaggy ‘do. Maybe it can do the singing next time.
8:25 PM: John Legend performs “Ordinary People”
One of these days, this kid is going to win a Grammy.
8:29 PM: Sugarland performs… haven’t the foggiest idea.
What begins as a little feedback soon turns into behind-the-scenes conversations between the show’s producer and his crew. It was the military airbase scene in “This Is Spinal Tap” come to life.
8:32 PM Best Country Album: Alison Krauss & Union Station, Lonely Runs Both Ways
Her speech coach had to have been Joe Pesci. Shortest, speech, ever.
8:40 PM: U2 performs “Vertigo”
“We’re not a rock band. We’re a folk band,” Bono says in a pre-recorded interview. Which is funny, because when Pop came out, I distinctly remember a quote where Bono said that U2 was in fact a hip hop band.
8:42 PM: U2 performs “One” with Mary J Blige
You see that, Coldplay? U2 got two, count ‘em two songs on the Grammys. Forget that “biggest band in the world” talk. As long as U2 lives and breathes – and don’t kid yourself, they will bury each and every one of us – Coldplay will always be the biggest band at the kiddie table. After seeing Blige’s moving performance, Bono will tell reporters that U2 isn’t a rock band, but a soul band.
8:47 PM: Best Rap Album: Kanye West, Late Registration
West took time out from writing musical history to actually accept the award. And for five seconds, he earned my admiration by thanking Jon Brion just after God, even though doing so is redundant in my world. Then I looked up from my laptop and saw what he was wearing. Shirt open to his navel, Isaac Hayes-style gold chain, and black leather gloves. W, T, F?
8:55 PM: Ben Roethlisberger introduces Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”
How on God’s green earth did they let Big Ben onstage in that getup? Backwards cap, faded jeans, and what looks like a Jets jersey? Thank goodness Clarkson dressed up for the affair, and damn, can that girl sing. No squeaking this time, thankfully.
9:01 PM: Best Rock Album: U2, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
When each nominee popped up on the screen, I shouted “No!” at each one of them. As soon as I saw U2’s name, I knew it was over.
9:09 PM: Paul McCartney performs “Fine Line”
Ellen Degeneres says, “Our next performer needs no introduction,” pauses, and walks offstage. Beautiful.
Wait, Macca’s sticking around, clearly refusing to be trumped by U2. I hear the drummer hitting his hi-hat at a certain speed, and I think, “Oh, sweet Jesus, no he ISN’T.” He did. “Helter” freaking “Skelter,” baby! The first moment so far that truly made me smile. Later, Bono will say that U2 isn’t a rock band, but a Beatles tribute band.
9:16 PM: Trustees Award: Chris Blackwell
About, fucking, time.
9:18 PM: Best Male R&B Vocal: John Legend, “Ordinary People”
At risk of sounding gay, John Legend is a mighty fine looking man. But then he blew it by thanking Kanye West, and the producers clearly heard me groan, because almost instantly the hurry-up music popped up.
9:27 PM: Mariah Carey performs “We Belong Together” and “Fly like a Bird”
Mariah Carey, she’s got some big ass titties… and the girl can still knock it out of the park.
All joking aside, when I saw her doing that hand thing, I nearly had a seizure, and I’m not even epileptic. Is there anything that Christina Aguilera didn’t steal from Mo Carey?
9:32 PM: Teri Hatcher takes the stage, clearly after taking makeup tips from a raccoon.
9:33 PM: Best Pop Vocal Album: Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway
Is this Kelly’s third outfit? Either way, she just beat Macca, Fiona Apple, Sheryl Crow and Gwen Stefani. Welcome to the big leagues, kiddo.
9:41 PM: Owen Bradley wins Trustees Award
Holy schnikes, Jenna Elfman is freaking hot.
9:42 PM: Faith Hill performs “Lucky One,” Keith Urban performs…something.
Has anyone checked to see if Hill is not in fact a Stepford wife? And is it just me, or does Keith Urban look like a country version of Jon Bon Jovi?
9:48 PM: Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Linkin Park & Jay-Z, “Numb”
Fuck. Linkin Park are now Grammy winners. Okay, maybe they already are, but ignorance of that was bliss, let me tell you. I’ll chalk it up to the voters wanting to give Jigga one last nod.
9:56 PM: Tribute to Sly Stone
Featuring Joss Stone. Discuss own paternity conspiracy theories amongst yourselves.
– Ciara and Maya Rudolph: separated at birth? Nah, Maya’s legs aren’t anywhere near that long.
– Sly Stone has the best mohawk in history. He walks out, sings about three lines, and leaves, without once looking at the audience.
10:14 PM: Linkin Park and Jay-Z perform “Numb”
Kill me, now. Whew, that was over quickly. Wait…Oh, my, GOD. They’re doing a mash-up that uses “Yesterday,” and Macca joins them onstage. Macca shoots “Jay-Z” an odd look, when he realizes that all Jigga is going to contribute to the song is “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.”
10:23 PM: Tom Hanks introduces Bruce Springsteen
I sure as hell hope that weight he’s carrying was for his role in “The Da Vinci Code.”
10:25 PM: Bruce Springsteen performs “Devils and Dust”
Pay attention, Chris Martin. That’s how you sing live. Bring ‘em home indeed, Boss.
10:30 PM: Song of the Year: U2, “Sometimes You Can’t Make It on Your Own”
As U2 steps to the stage, Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together,” one of the nominees, plays on the speakers. I stifle a laugh, since that was actually the song I hoped would win. Maybe Destiny’s Child, who announced the award, pulled a Jack Palance and read the wrong name.
10:40 PM: Kanye West and Jamie Foxx perform “Gold Digger”
What started as a college band-off turned into a bizarre series of skits involving girls in super-tight gold skivvies, the Broke Phi Broke fraternity, and a spectacular, but brief, finale where Kanye is wearing…white leather gloves. Dude, the only other guy known for wearing gloves is Michael Jackson. Perv.
10:45 PM: Record of the Year: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” Green Day
Another short, sweet speech. Can’t say I blame them, since the album’s been out for 17 freaking months. They’re probably counting the days until they never play the song again. Lord knows, as much as I love American Idiot, I can’t wait to never hear this song again.
10:55 PM: Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilera perform…something I don’t know
I never thought I’d say these words: Xtina looks fantastic. Her vocal histrionics are still nails on a chalkboard – take a note from the Clarkson kid, woman, there are ways to rip off Mariah without looking like a Xerox copy of her – and I think even Celine Dion has patent pending on some of those hand gestures.
11:06 PM: Best New Artist: John Legend
For once, they got it right. Still, it’ll be a long time before they live down Milli Vanilli, A Taste of Honey, and Marc Cohn beating Seal.
11:10 PM: Album of the Year: U2, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Give me a fucking break. U2 loses when All That you Can’t Leave Behind is up for Album of the Year, but they win for this? Chalk it up to weaker competition, with a big asterisk; the New Pornographers and Franz Ferdinand both made better records than anything in the five finalists for this award.
I finish the evening feeling the exact same way I did the last time I watched the show: “Man, what a waste of time. I am never watching this again.”
