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How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

Despite having concluded her well-documented, three-year “farewell” tour, aging plastic surgery addict Cher is in discussions with Caesars Palace to take over the Coliseum stage once Celine Dion concludes her lengthy run there. Cher will reportedly make $60 million in the deal.

cher

Of course, if Caesars management is smart, they’ll start Cher’s run a day early, and put her on the stage with Dion without informing either one of them they’ll have to share the spotlight. Maybe snatch up Barbra Streisand as well. Throw these three on stage together unannounced, call it the Diva Trifecta Extravaganza, and let them jostle for position throughout the show. Babs would have the edge with her perfectly manicured, tiger-lady nails, but both Cher and Dion can throw a mean elbow, so the combatants would be fairly evenly matched.

Then, just as the trio has finally achieved equilibrium and begun singing the grand finale, “My Heart Would Go On If I Could Turn Back Time to the Way We Were,” management lets loose all of Sigfried & Roy’s white tigers onto the stage (hey, they’re not working; they need something to do) with zero supervision.

That would be the best Vegas show ever.

Let us do the Neutron Dance in her memory

Sadly, June Pointer – the youngest of the Pointer Sisters – died of cancer yesterday. She was only 52.

The Pointer Sisters may have been off the charts for awhile, but when they were on them, man, they were on them a lot. VH-1 Classic has done a fair amount to raise their profile a bit in recent years, but just take a gander at these hits:

“Automatic”
“Neutron Dance”
“I’m So Excited”
“Slow Hand”
“Jump (For My Love)”
“Dare Me”
“Should I Do It”
“American Music”
“Goldmine”
“Fire”
“He’s So Shy”

Every one of those tracks was a top-40 hit…and seven of them made it into the top 10.

Now playing…what else?

The Pointer Sisters, Greatest Hits.

And wouldn’t you know it…? “Neutron Dance” is on right now.

Puff Zitty causes video shoot to cost too much

Yeah, big surprise there. On a recent shoot for Cheri Dennis’ latest video, Puff Diddy Kong caused the shoot’s budget to skyrocket. How did he do that? Well, he wanted his own trailer and two bottles of Cristal, homie! They only had $100,000 to shoot the video, but Also Ditty Zarathustra’s demands exceeded the budget. Hey P. Dinky, why don’t you just drink a four-o and show some fuckin’ respect? Cristal’s the most overrated crunk juice ever. Hmmm. I wonder if I could create a new Cristal energy drink and reap fortunes from this goon.

American Idol: How Far Did the Mercury Rise?

So last night’s “American Idol” featured the songs of Queen, one of the greatest rock bands of the last 3 decades. Though Freddy Mercury passed away and jurassic rocker Paul Rodgers took his place in the band, Queen’s music is still legendary. But how would the contestants measure up to the great Freddy Mercury, and sing songs that were obviously more difficult than anything they have tried yet?

Let’s go to the videotape…..

THE GOOD

Ladies and gentleman, Kellie Pickler is peaking at the right time. She may not understand Simon’s British accent through her hillbilly ears, but she took on “Bohemian Rhapsody” and gave a performance that no one expected. Not me, not the judges, not America. Kellie looked like Lita Ford and sang with a rocker growl she hasn’t really shown yet.

Gray haired boy Taylor Hicks may have appeared “drunk” to Simon Cowell, but to me he was the best performer last night. He took on “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” which might seem in itself to be a safe choice. But dude rocked it out and never veered off key….he was entertaining and to me at least, kicked everyone else’s ass.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Chris Daughtry sang “Innuendo” and while Simon at the time said it was the best vocal of the night, I also agree with his assessment that it was a poor song choice. Not everyone knows the song, and Chris could have picked something more familiar and made a statement. Instead, he probably wasn’t in the top 3 of voting last night.

Katharine McPhee sang the ballad “Who Wants to Live Forever” and though it was Celine Dion-ish at times in power, Katharine seemed to shout and didn’t quite put the necessary feeling into it. She’s been in the bottom 3 before and I’m not sure she wont’ be back there again tonight.

Elliott Yamin sang “Somebody To Love,” which is probably as difficult to sing as “Bohemian Rhapsody” but he proved why he is still hanging around at this stage. Dude can bring it vocally, but he still wasn’t as entertaining last night as Kellie or Taylor.

Paris Bennett sang “The Show Must Go On” and while I agree with Simon that it was a little strange seeing this innocent young girl in black leather singing a power ballad, she still has what it takes vocally and could go all the way.

THE BAD

Bucky Covington, you are a karaoke machine. You proved that again last night with your countrified rendition of “Fat Bottom Girls.” Randy even used the word “karaoke” in his remarks, and that’s really what it was. You can sing, sure, but you are not going to be a star.

Side note: the funniest moment of the night was when Ryan Seacrest asked Bucky what it was like to sing Freddy Mercury, and Bucky replied, “He’s not somebody you want to get behind.” Ryan then answered, without missing a beat: “You can say that again.” All I have to say is, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”

Ace Young is so full of himself, and he may just be losing votes because of that. He took on “We Will Rock You” and it was, as Simon said, “a mess.” What’s more, he tried to get Brian May and the boys to change the arrangement of the song just for him. Thankfully they declined. But in response to Simon, Ace said “I think I rocked.” I’m glad you did, dude, now just go home.

So who will it be? Bucky, Ace, Katharine, Elliott? Maybe even Paris? Well, if America wants to redeem itself, it will vote off Bucky or Ace because let’s face it, they are not Idol material.

Tonight there is an excuciating one hour episode for the results show…..I wonder what will be in store to fill all that time. Will they bring back Barry Manilow, Stevie Wonder, Kenny Rogers and Brian May to form a supergroup? Will the big gay Mexican priest return again? Will Darrell and Terrell return in orange jumpsuits? Will Ryan Seacrest propose to Terri Hatcher? Okay, that’s enough from me today…see you for the results.

Marley, OUT.

People, we’re just one sweet step away from an episode of “Cops”…

Everyone’s favorite white trash pop princess, Britney Spears, received a visit from the fine folks at Child Welfare this past Saturday afternoon. The officials offered little details, except to say that it was a “very standard, routine patrol request,” but conspiracy theorists have immediately jumped to the conclusion that it’s because of the goings-on a few weeks back, when Britney held her 4-month-old son, Cletus…I mean, Sean Preston, in her lap – rather than putting him in a car seat – in an attempt to evade paparazzi.

There is no truth to the rumor that Britney doesn’t even know how to work the car seat.

Probably.

UPDATE: People Magazine is now reporting that Sean Preston fell and hit his head as a result of his high chair breaking. Here’s a pic of Britney leaving the hospital with him:

Leave it to that woman to make her child’s hospital visit into a P.R. stop…

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