Based in his home state of Alabama, the former “American Idol” winner’s agency is said to specialize in what Ruben calls “real girls,” rather than the stick-thin creatures who appear in most ads and music videos.
Explaining the philosophy behind his new agency, the Velvet Teddy Bear replied, “I like big butts and I cannot lie/You other brothers can’t deny/That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist/and a round thing in your face/you get sprung…My anaconda don’t want none/Unless you’ve got buns, hon.”
Ruben then added that fat bottom girls make the rockin’ world go round.
They have a product. Her need for that product couldn’t possibly be more apparent. And so, behind the scenes, a lucrative deal was clearly struck between a lingerie company and a fallen pop idol.
The result? This quote from Britney Spears, apologizing for frightening small children with her recent, omnipresent crotch shots, and implying (though not promising) that it won’t happen again:
“Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.”
Subtle, isn’t it? That’s how good product placement works: they slip that brand name right in there nice and casual-like, in a context that makes sense…so that no one in the audience takes the time to stop and wonder why Britney Spears is mentioning a major consumer retailer in her public pronouncements just in time for the holidays.
Both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have canceled their scheduled appearances at Monday night’s Billboard Music Awards, according to multiple reports. Though the nightclub-hopping duo were originally scheduled to co-host the event, those plans were changed when Britney abruptly pulled out of her commitment without giving a reason. A few days later, Paris changed her mind as well:
The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at next week’s Billboard Music Awards because she didn’t like the jokes written for her, according to a spokesman.
“It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers,” her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement. “Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarrassing about people she knows.”
Uh, yeah. Because when I think Paris Hilton, I think “classy, considerate dame who has no interest in mocking, snubbing, or otherwise seeking to humiliate her peers.” She is instead much more interested in performing every known sex act — as well as several newly invented ones — with her peers’ boyfriends, relatives, and family pets.
I went to iTunes to look for possible children’s music to get for my daughter for Christmas. There’s a lot of hip stuff out there nowadays; Dan Zanes (late of the Del Fuegos) has recorded half a dozen albums aimed at children, They Might Be Giants have done at least two discs worth of kids’ stuff, Jason Falkner did two discs worth of instrumental versions of Beatles songs, and, as a parent, let me assure you that your children could do a whole lot worse than the Wiggles or Ralph’s World.
When I went to the homepage for Children’s Music on iTunes, however, they had a list of new albums as well as holiday favorites…and on the new albums, for some reason, they’re pitching the latest Bowling For Soup disc (which, unless I’m mistaken, isn’t specifically aimed at kids), and in the holiday favorites, there’s actually a song called “I Farted On Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas Is Going To Stink For Me),” by the Little Stinkers. This is actually on the Children’s Music page.
Come on, give me a break.
I can buy into the fact that Bowling for Soup is goofy fun that anyone of any age can like (“1985” was a staple on Radio Disney), but do we really need to stoop to intentionally handing our kids fart jokes? It’s not like there aren’t enough of them around, and it’s not even like they aren’t funny (Einsten proved that farting = hilarity), but, seriously, don’t go out of your way to dumb my kid down, all right? They might be funny, but they’re not “children’s music” by any stretch of the imagination.
Do you like the bands that pay attention to the visual presentation, give you not just a concert, but a show? No, I’m not talking about the boy bands or the talentless teenage divas, I’m talking about GWAR, Kiss, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie and Slipknot. Those artists and many others owe a tip of the hat to the old master of the macabre, Alice Cooper. Now, his commercial heyday may be behind him by many years, but the man still tours with an incredible band, has a monstrously recognizable back catalogue and still challenges himself as an artist by still flexing some new musical muscles with the consistent release of new material.
As we learned in the bonus material on “Metal A Headbanger’s Journey,” no one has a higher opinion of his own influence and accomplishments than Alice, but the body of work speaks for itself. In designing a No Rock Star Left Behind starter kit for the nearly 60-year-old metal icon, I would recommend the following:
Music
The Best of Alice Cooper: Mascara & Monsters: If you need to get to know the hits, this collection puts together the best stuff from the band Alice Cooper and the immediate period after, when Vincent Furnier changed his name and became Alice Cooper. Rhino does a nice job and this is an excellent representation of the early genius. “Clones” and “Poison” are tacked on as representing the later period and are tracks that charted, but his later work is not well represented here.
Flush The Fashion: Re-inventing himself with a new wave kind of spin and with the production of Roy Thomas Baker, Fashion is catchy and features some incredibly clever but cynical lyrics on “Model Citizen” and “Grim Facts.” The record proved he could stretch musically and write commentary about our culture in a stinging yet humorous manner.
The Last Temptation: An underappreciated classic concept record in which Alice gets a little help from his friends. Chris Cornell lends some backing vocals to a couple of tracks while Jack Blades & Tommy Shaw co-write a couple of songs. “Lost in America” is a very funny but biting commentary on the lost direction of America’s youth.
Brutal Planet: This record is dark industrial metal. In contrast with Flush’s new wave spin, and the straight-ahead rock sound of Temptation, Planet along with its sequel, 2001’s Dragontown, is Alice at his absolute heaviest.
Video
“Wayne’s World”: There is a snippet of “Feed My Frankenstein” in the movie, but the brief encounter between Alice, Wayne and Garth and their discussion of Milwaukee is hysterical.
“Alice Cooper Live at Montreux”: What a flippin’ band he tours with, including Eric Singer, the thunderous replacement for Eric Carr in Kiss, and Brother Cane guitarist Damon Johnson. They rip through his hits with a fabulous ferocity and Alice, the old pro, puts on a fun show.
Web
SickThingsUK is the best Cooper resource. This site gives you all kinds of news, discographies and information on those that have rocked with `The Coop’ in the past. For most things Alice, this is where you have to go.
There you have it, four discs, two DVDs, a web site and the following snippet from the Muppet Show which shows Alice having fun with his image. These items should whet your appetite as we continue to champion those that have come before in No Rock Star Left Behind.
