Clear Channel: “Wait, so now we need to NOT suck? I’m confused.”

Turning an about-face on its longtime strategy of attempting to drown radio listeners in a sea of aggressively bland, soulless, identical radio stations, Clear Channel has finally discovered the niche audiences that were there all along.

As part of a new initiative to be announced next week, Clear Channel intends to lock horns with satellite radio, rolling out new niche channels with names like Dank (“Hip Hop and Rock all rolled up into one big spliff”), Full Metal Racket (“It’s dark, it’s edgy, it beats, and it rocks”), and Mother Trucker (“a hearty serving of the best Southern Rock”). Clear Channel will also be expanding its HD radio service to 50 cities, from its current base of 28.

Can this old dog learn enough tricks to persuade people to shell out $200 for an HD radio receiver instead of signing on for satellite radio? Can the American public forgive Clear Channel for its numerous transgressions against music fans all across the country?

Stay tuned to find out.

  

Roth out, O&A in

David Lee Roth’s terrestrial radio show has been shitcanned and will be replaced by on-air gods Opie & Anthony. It’s a new move, considering O&A have an XM exclusive show, but now they will be sharing both the satellite and terrestrial airwaves. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

  

Howard Stern finally admits to being a complete douchewad

Need proof that Hoo-Hoo Stern is a total prick when it comes to his overbearing and talentless ego? Then look no further to his statements regarding a long-rumored gag order against Opie and Anthony. Thanks for finally coming clean on one of many matters, Hoo-Hoo. Maybe you should also get some plastic surgery for your show, seeing how what you got done on yourself helped you none.

When Stern was asked by a caller about the gag order, he confirmed it by admitting, “That’s right. I believe in censoring anyone who is my enemy.” He also added, “I believe in censorship when it benefits me.”

Playing back that audio on their XM Satellite Radio program this morning, Anthony noted the hypocrisy of that statement by saying, “He’s been complaining that individual members of the FCC were putting their morality on his program instead of interpreting FCC law … which is exactly what he did [with us].”

O&A have also been pointing out what they call more hypocrisy by Stern for taking off certain Fridays, playing audio of Stern, Robin Quivers and Artie Lange discussing why it is important to be in the studio five days a week. “If you are not there on Fridays, then you are doing a disservice to your audience,” says Stern in the audio clip. “If you are going to do this job, then you show up every day and give it your best.”

  

CBS sues Hoo-Hoo; Quivers is out of pithy asides

Hoo-Hoo Stern is being sued by his former employer, CBS Radio. The giant conglomerate is saying Stern improperly used studio time to promote his move to Little Doggie Satellite Radio and therefore breached his contract. Hoo-Hoo had a little press conference on Tuesday trying to deflate the whole matter, but when you have $500 million, certainly paying CBS wouldn’t be too difficult, no?

Oh, Hoo-Hoo. Spend that money wisely.

  

Opie And Anthony PWN j00!

And now, here’s a little video montage I created in tribute to XM’s greatest commodity, O & A. It originally aired on Sniff The Tip, but it now being shared for all at YouTube, and alas, here. Music by The Beastie Boys. Rock steady.

  

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