Okay, so the sixth edition of the “American Idol” preliminary auditions were last night from Austin, Texas…..and with next Tuesday’s Boston auditions being the last of the first round, the end of this madness is finally in sight. From then on we will only get to see those with serious musical talent (okay, maybe not all of them have talent) and how they scratch and claw their way to continue on.
Last night started with a ballet dancer dude named Julian….need I say more? Yes, I need to….dude did a split right there and left me wondering if he might have a vagina in there….I mean, how could that not hurt???
Some of the other highlights were Jason, the funeral director who was surprisingly good….Ricky, who claimed “this is what I was meant to do” and actually backed it up with a solid audition….16-year old William, who looked like Fred Savage or a young Paul O’Neill….and RJ, who claimed to be a ladies’ man and who they showed flirting with chicks like it was his job. Lucky for RJ he had a good voice, but chicks in Hollywood, lock your doors.
The lowlights…well, how many weird things can we see that they haven’t shown us before? Plenty.
This chick named Paula was actually a Paula Abdul worshipper but looked like a hippie chick with a mouthful of metal…and the braces clearly affected her singing though she wasn’t good anyway.
There was this girl Alison from North Carolina who told everyone about her plane ride there….the plane had a defect and almost crashed, changing her whole outlook on life. Unfortunately for her, the experience didn’t mysteriously give her a voice…she auditioned twice (because the judges spotted her nerves) but wasn’t good both times.
Ashley, who is a “fit model”…meaning she tries on clothes before they’re sold in stores to make sure they are the proper size (or something stupid like that)……she had a very mediocre voice but it was clear that Simon thought she was hot. “I like you, but not your voice,” he said. A 2-1 vote got her through, and my wife was bitter about it. This is clearly someone who wont’ last long in the competition and who clearly will get hit on by that RJ dude.
There was a Randy Jackson look-alike who curiously sang a Phil Collins song and sucked…..and finally there was Tessie….she was extremely overweight and had these two thin hair braids coming down her face and was stuffed into these pink pants. She was a horrible singer, and when she didn’t move on told the judges they were making a big mistake. Uh, okay. Simon got the last laugh though, making this hilarious reference: “Can I get one more potato in that sack?”
These auditions are making me tired….thankfully Hollywood starts next Wednesday….till then, see you in Boston
