Author: Captain Capm (Page 116 of 118)

Ashlee, are you sick again, dear?

Hoo boy. Ashlee Simpson’s sick again. Why does this chick even have a career? Why do people buy her albums? Her sister certainly can’t sing, and neither can she. She’s always got some problem, be it with her voice or her talent or whatnot. Let’s just turn the lights off on this career already. It’s sort of like listening to Tori Amos, you know? Oh, now there’s something to get some conversations going in the wrong circles.

Paulie and The Ring sue EMI

Those wacky remaining ex-Beatles. Looks like Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are suing EMI for some unpaid royalties. Now, you’re not going to see me carping on these two and bitching about them needing more cash, because I like money a lot, too, and more is always better these days. But I am thinking it might be a good idea to take these guys, along with Neil Aspinall, to court and sue them for not remastering the damned Beatles catalogue after all this time. Look, if bands like Steely Dan and The Rolling Stones and artists like Elton John can go through two or three reissues of remasters, then it’s high time The Beatles got cleaned up, too. The Yellow Submarine songtrack CD is all the proof you need about how great that stuff sounds after being through the digital washer in comparison to the old crappy CDs from the late ’80s that they’re still selling.

Five Billy Joel album tracks you need to re-visit

Billy Joel was the man who made me a music fan. When my older brother brought home The Stranger in 1977 when I was but 5 years old, something inside of me just lit up that has never gone away since. It’s been hip to bash Joel through the years, for reasons I’ve never understood. Shit like he never rocked hard enough, or people thought he was posing when he did rock out, or whatever. The man’s written a ton of great songs, and a bunch of them are tracks that aren’t even the hit singles. Here then are five of those songs worth checking out and delving a little deeper into Joel’s impressive songwriting catalogue.

1. “Surprises” – This tune is from Joel’s masterpiece, 1982’s The Nylon Curtain. That album is filled with stellar songs, but this one seems to be the creepiest and most cryptic. I always wanted to ask Billy about this song if I ever got the chance, much like Chuck Klosterman did for the song “Laura” from the same album as detailed in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. It’s not quite clear whom Joel is singing to here, or what ominous thing has transpired, but it makes for a very cinematic-sounding song.

2. “Roberta” – From the under-appreciated Streetlife Serenade album. A song that at first glance looks just to be another tune about a guy trying to woo a woman, at closer inspection in turns out that this is a love song for a prostitute. Joel’s voice is still young sounding here, but on many songs from the album he sounds world-weary and much older (“Last of the Big Time Spenders” and “The Great Suburban Showdown,” for example). Billy has always had interesting female characters fill his songs, but none so interesting as Roberta. The coda absolutely kills in this song, too.

3. “Summer, Highland Falls” – From Turnstiles. Granted, this is undoubtedly an album track that many folks are probably familiar with, as Joel has played it live on and off throughout his entire career. But for me, far above and beyond “New York State of Mind,” this is the crown jewel of Turnstiles. It has a whole feeling and sound and piano part that Billy never once again revisited, as if he knew he perfected it right here. The song is about relationships becoming familiar, when the sex has worn off, and the sofa has two permanent ass-impressions in the cushions. It’s one of Billy’s most touching tunes, and places his far beyond other singer-songwriters of the time who were tapping the sap for similar themes (and, undoubtedly, bigger hits).

4. “Sleeping With The Television On” – From Glass Houses. The Glass Houses album is a lot of fun all around, but this song mixes the New Wave with the rock bounce effortlessly. Another song about boy and girl, this one finds Joel singing to a “Diane” and realizing he doesn’t have the nerve to talk to her and express his feelings, so they’ll both just wind up going to sleep by the tube. It’s kind of a two-fer track, coming right after “I Don’t Want To Be Alone” on the album, which also finds Joel playing the nervous lothario. This definitely sounds like a song that came out in 1980, as does the entire album, really, but that’s part of its charm.

5. “The Great Wall of China” – From The River of Dreams. Honestly, this is the only song I can really stand on this album. But the reasons why are clear for me. It sounds like a leftover from The Nylon Curtain days. There’s a big sweeping intro, then it gets down to some darker-edged rocking, and then has some really bizarre mumblings about something or other during the fade that I’ve never been able to decipher. The rest of the album just goes on too long. I always felt that Billy started slipping around The Bridge album, but God knows that the stretch from it to Storm Front and then to The River of Dreams produced some huge hits for the man. And so it goes.

The Opie and Anthony virus

So Howard Stern is having his last day on regular radio today and have a parade and all that great crap. Big deal. For those not in the know, and well you should be, the real entertainment value on satellite radio is on XM. “Shock jocks” Opie and Anthony have been kicking out the jams for over a year now over on the XM network (they’ve had an illustrious radio history pre-XM as well, which you can read about on their site). Their show is hilarious, and has the feeling of hanging out with a few of your best pals and having a good time. Howard Stern, on the other hand, has ceased to be funny for years now, and all this media hype is all for nothing. Sirius has lagged behind in the satellite radio biz since its inception, and there’s no way this is going to make that much difference, especially when they have to foot a $500 million invoice for Hoo-Hoo.

The other day on O&A, Anthony said it best. Strippers on the radio stink like shit on ice. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been channel surfing and every time I’ve gone by Howard’s show on E! he’s had another stupid bimbo talking about her tits and wanting to know if she’s hot enough to be a centerfold for Playboy. Who the hell cares? Howard’s only other shtick is to talk about his lack of penis length and oh boy, isn’t that side splitting comedy right there? Hardly. His crew are a drag, his guests are never interesting, and having the big idea to weigh some guy on the show’s bowel movement is about as retarded as any radio – satellite or regular – as it can get.

So if you need to make a decision, go with O&A. Li’l Jimmy Norton’s there, Stalker Patti, Big A, Rich Vos, Bill Burr, Patrice O’Neal, and plenty of others that have the funniest four hours of radio on the planet. And if that’s not enough, you also get Ron and Fez on right after ’em. God bless XM. God bless O&A. Howie can keep on measuring his penis and other peoples’ crap and try to come up with half a billion dollars’ worth of funny. This dude’s allegiance lies where it’s at, however.

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