Author: Mike Farley (Page 54 of 63)

New York City. The Big Apple. The Heart of Culture.

You’d think the largest city in our nation would produce more good singers, right? When it comes to “American Idol” auditions, the answer is a resounding “no.” New York City had just as many duds as every other city on last night’s show, and just as many freaks. Let’s go to the videotape….

As usual, we’ll pluck out some of the talented contestants. Sarah Burgess, who made the trek from Ohio to audition, was extremely emotional after passing her audition….mainly because she lied to her dad and told him she was staying over a friend’s house for three days because he would never let her audition. But did you see her bawling as she called her dad to tell him the good news? If I was that dude, I’d be fearing the worst…like, “Dad, I’m pregnant and I’m in jail.”

There was the cute Barbie-doll looking friends, Amanda and Antonella, who sang awful as a duo but separately had monster voices. Some of the other standouts were Jory Steinberg, the chick who sang “Chains”…I have a funny feeling about her, like she could be top 12. Then there was Porcelana, who they showed training every day for a year (ala Rocky) just to get in shape for this audition. But as the judges reminded her, it was important that she could sing as well. Lucky for this ball of spunk, she was good enough.

Rachel, an 18 year old with opera training, tried to sing Jeff Buckley, then also gave the judges (which by the way included hit songwriter Carol Bayer Sager) a taste of her opera….all equally impressive, and as she pointed out, she can do it all, giving her the potential to go far in the competition.

Finally there was Chris Richardson, who I think is this year’s Eliot Yamin (the Donnie Hathaway song gave that away), and Nicholas, who made the Hollywood round last year but flamed out when he forgot his lyrics. This dude is on a renewed mission, and he sounded awesome last night. Look for him to land in the top 12 of guys.

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for….the masters of suck….

The first contestant they showed, Ian Benardo, was this flaming dude who sang “Gloria.” Dude had such an obvious New Yawk accent, that mixed hilariously with his gay dialect: “Cawling Glawria….” But what made Ian worth the price of admission was his blasting of Simon Cowell, asking Cowell to see his working visa. What a loser.

There was Ashanti, who has a good name for pop music, but sang horribly. This was her third audition overall with the show, and she again showed why she just can’t advance to Hollywood. But to add insult, she kept whining to the judges and was such a drama queen that it was painful to watch.

With only (haha) two hours, the producers didn’t have time to show us everyone, so they gave us a few clips of other duds. There was a guy in a spacesuit, a dude with blue hair, and a dude who looked like a girl (isn’t there one of those every season?).

Nakia sang “Dancing in the Streets” and she was such a ball of energy that her enthusiasm overshadowed her vocals. When the judges asked her to sing a ballad, her flaws were exposed.

Sarah Goldberg admitted that she was tone deaf, but thought that the judges should give her the opportunity to go to Hollywood and teach her to become the next American Idol. Are you kidding me? Like I can show up at spring training for the Yankees and demand that they teach me how to be a shortstop.

Chris Henry sang a Kelly Clarkson tune and it was obvious that he would be better off with a dress and stilettos. My wife said it, and then Simon said it, as if on cue. Finally there was Isadora, whose real name starts with a “J” but one she would not disclose. Annoyingly, Ryan Seacrest kept calling her Julie. Oh, and did I mention she sucked?

Paula called Simon an ass. Yawn.

That’s all we’ve got this week, folks….next week brings the show to Birmingham, a city that has produced some “American Idol” winners and hopefuls like Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, and Bo Bice. Surely this musical hotbed will put New York City’s auditions to shame. Well, one can only hope.
See you next week…

Last night, thanks to George W’s State of the Union Address, we only had to endure one hour of “American Idol” and its Memphis auditions. That meant less Ryan Seacrest, less fluff, and more meaty auditions. And of course, there were more contestants being discarded like bad meat. With all of the lousy singers attempting to become the next American Idol, you get the feeling that the well of good singers in this country is drying up. Fast.

But first, let’s review the contestants that actually DID sing well, hence moving on to Hollywood:

This dude named Sundance Head, who admitted that his parents were hippies and gave him that crazy name, is also the son of Roy Head, who had some success on the pop charts a few decades ago. Genes aside, dude sang his ass off. Simon said he’d be surprised if Sundance didn’t make the finals, and added that he “blew Taylor (Hicks) out of the park.” Wow, strong statement and an unnecessary jab at the reigning champ.

Sean Michel, who looked like a cross between Osama Bin Laden and a homeless dude (Sean’s own reference and an accurate one), did a Johnny Cash song and was barely good enough of a vocalist to allow the judges to look past his appearance. Look for this guy to flame out in Hollywood very early.

Then there was Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer from Nashville who looked terrified and admitted to being as scared as she looked. Then she opened her mouth, and (you heard it hear first) sang her way into sure stardom. Her version of “For Once in My Life” was so incredible that I’m predicting a top five finish right here, right now.

The last contestant to earn a ticket to Hollywood was Phil, whose wife decided to give birth to the couple’s second child while Daddy was waiting in line to audition. And while both of the songs he chose showed a man who started off shaky, he found his tone and pitch just in time, and was voted on through. Dude gets additional props for admitting that the birth of his child was a bigger thrill than auditioning for the show.

For the lousy auditions, well, nothing surprises me or any of you anymore….

First, there was Frank Byers, the cheerleader coach who brought along his entire squad to cheer him on. He was okay, but had this cabaret quality about his voice that turned the judges off instantly.

Sixteen-year-old Timika talked and sang like she had a mouth full of marbles. Simon admitted that he couldn’t understand a word she sang, and it’s likely most of America couldn’t either.

Christopher, who goes by “Topher” instead of “Chris,” had an obvious crush on Paula, and went on and on about his ex-wife, even calling her a bleeping “bitch” on national TV. Aside from the fact that dude has been eating too many Big Macs, his version of “Footloose” was not quite good enough to advance him to Hollywood and make his ex-wife jealous in the process. In fact, her attorney might be on the phone to ol’ Topher after that blast aired last night.

Janita, who had her melons dangling out of her dress like key chains, proclaimed herself to be sexy but she was, as Simon so accurately pointed out, “a handful.” Randy called her version of “Disco Inferno” “bad karaoke” and that’s pretty accurate. Now put those things away, Janita.

Of course, they had to pay tribute to Elvis somehow, but thankfully they didn’t beat King references to death. When Robert attempted “Burning Love,” and I mean attempted, the producers launched into a series of bad contestants trying to sing the same tune. One dude even pulled a sock out of his pants, to symbolize the “hunk of burning love” in his pants. What are we coming to, people?

Tonight we have the New York City auditions, and I’m sure you all can’t wait for the freak show that will no doubt ensue. See you tomorrow….

After Tuesday’s Minneapolis auditions that were pretty much awful, “American Idol” showed up in rainy Seattle for the next wave of crappy contestants. Okay, they weren’t all bad, but there were 9,000 entrants and on Seattle’s first day only 7 were Hollywood bound. Is the talent pool diminishing? I guess we’ll find out.

Let’s start again with the talented bunch. Tommy Daniels, who auditioned last year but didn’t quite make it to the Randy/Paula/Simon room, sang Amos Lee and he was awesome. In fact he kind of made it look easy. Keep an eye on this kid, I have a feeling about him.

The brother/sister combo (don’t even ask me to pronounce or spell their names) “were so cute!” to paraphrase the wife. They talked about how their dad was a talented singer in his native India so you knew they had good genes going in. And though both were a bit shy, holy crap, could they sing. The dude was even better than his sister. Keep an eye on these two as well….they could be duking it out against each other as this thing progresses.

Blake, aka the “beat boy,” did such an amazing job impersonating a beat box and bass guitar that he could only disappoint with his vocal ability. Lucky for him he was just good enough to advance, even though Simon said Paula was “easily pleased.”

Anna, a 6’4″ chick who sang Aretha Franklin, had to be distracted by Randy and Paula growling at Simon during her audition. Simon referred to her as a giraffe, and I’m starting to think that Simon spends a lot of time in zoos or on safaris.

A guy named Rodolfo did a nice job with Journey’s “Open Arms” and advanced, and the only other one advancing that they showed was a 16-year-old girl named Jordin Sparks who sang Celine Dion really well. We all love Celine, don’t we? ( someone please help me dislodge the index finger from my throat)Additional props to Jordin from yours truly because she is the daughter of former New York Football Giant cornerback Phillippi Sparks. What the hell has become of the Giants defense anyway? Sorry, couldn’t help it.

So since that was all the producers decided to show us of the talented ones, you know they filled up most of the two hours with crap, otherwise known as the ones that bring the ratings. Here are some of the lowlights of those performances:

Jennifer, who called herself “The Hotness,” was about as hot as Canada in February. I mean, blech. She couldn’t sing her way out of the paper bag they should have put on her head, but then she added insult when she started taking shots at the judges. She said Simon was probably used to listening to “that back country English sheep stuff” and that his opinion “don’t mean nothing.” Okay, your Hotness, go cool down now. Back country English sheep stuff? We’re not making this stuff up, people, she really said that.

Misha (her real name is Darwin…which begs the question…why the hell do these kids have names that they don’t use?) was a large, nerdy woman who desperately needed a bra. Mrs. Mikey pointed that out first, but you couldn’t miss those heavy pancakes flopping around. Again, blech. Misha looked like a cartoon character and made things worse by attempting the Pussycat Dolls.

Melissa, who went under the name Carleen (are you sensing a pattern here?) had arms that looked like legs and legs that looked like tree trunks. And Simon accurately made reference to the red body stocking she was wearing that made her look sunburned. Naturally, she sucked.

Nick Zitzmann kept blinking to the point that it was distracting, but he didn’t sing well either. And David Mills did a poor job with “Lean On Me,” but the refreshing part was when he said afterward that his audition was a personal “wake up call.” Attaboy, David.

Then they showed two sort of misfit friends. The first was Kenneth, who Simon (again, accurately) depicted as a wild monkey with massive eyes. I mean, those eyes were something we’re all going to have nightmares about. Then his buddy, the obviously overweight Jonathan, gave a go at “God Bless America.” He wasn’t all that bad, but the fact that he kept changing keys in the middle of the song did him in. Simon made a comment that Jonathan had borrowed Randy’s pants, which was pretty funny.

Then there was Eric, the Taylor Hicks lookalike and soundalike…well, not really soundalike. Dude is a hairdresser with graying hair (or did he color it gray?) and after attempting to sing, he’s going back to cutting hair. But after the audition he tried to go put some gel in Simon’s hair and security whisked him off. Dude, what the hell did you expect to happen?

Finally, there was Steven…..who sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” so utterly bad that there really are no words to describe it. But I’ll say one thing…some of these awful auditions, or what they show of them, go on FOREVER. I mean, stick a fork in these kids before they burn on the stove.

Next up is the musical mecca of Memphis, and Fox is likely to bring Elvis references until we want to vomit.

Holy crap, I just realized it’s the end of my second entry and I haven’t made reference to Ryan Seacrest more than once. He really hasn’t been that annoying yet, but the crappy auditions are just overshadowing him.

See you next week….

Ah, the return of “American Idol.” You can almost smell the dysfunction in the air when you tune in to Fox on the third Tuesday in January. And that’s because every year the producers of the show try to out-drama the year before with some of the ridiculous contestants who get off thinking they can sing.

So last night the show kicked off, and before they got to the Minneapolis auditions, there were some self-serving moments of “Here’s what we’ve done for you.” And really, you can’t argue with the fact that the show has made stars out of average schmoes like Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks and Carrie Underwood. Hell, Jennifer Hudson may prove to be the biggest star of them all, and she didn’t even win “Idol.”

But back to the fun, and even though it’s at times painful watching these auditions, it’s definitely fun.
Guest judge Jewel didn’t really add much spice to the show, but she made a few contestants really nervous.

First of all, let’s note that out of 10,000 contestants in Minneapolis, only 17 made it to Hollywood. That means most of them can probably drive a snowmobile better than they can sing. But of the 17, the ones whose auditions they showed weren’t even that great. 16-year-old Denise Jackson, an admitted “crack baby,” was one of the best, with a voice that, once she reigns it in just a little, can go really far on the show.

Perla, the Hispanic chick who flirted with Ryan Seacrest (is it just me or does dude seem a bit desperate for a date?), was awful trying to sing Blondie, but when Randy Jackson prompted her to sing Shakira, it was like turning on a light switch.

Jerry, a Navy dude who won “Reagan Idol” on the USS Ronald Reagan ship, sang Rascal Flatts and was pretty damn good. Michelle, a 19-year-old blonde chick, obviously wanted to follow Carrie Underwood’s lead to Nashville, singing a Deana Carter song. She was just okay, but good enough to forge ahead to Hollywood.

Matt, a 16-year-old kid with a show choir background, sang “California Dreamin'” and there was something unique about him. He sang his ass off, but there was more than that to him and the judges saw it. Rachel Jenkins, whose husband is currently in Iraq and who works in her dad’s body shop and is also an Army reservist, also impressed. Finally, Sarah Kruger sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and while she was no Catherine McPhee, she did good enough to punch a ticket to Cali.

Okay, now for the bad ones:

Jessica, a make up artist at the Mall of America, is going back to her day job. Jewel is her idol so she was obviously nervous, but she sang through her nose so badly and was so out of key that it made everyone’s ears hurt. Still, she thought she was automatically going to the finals, and when the judges told her she sucked, cried like she just found out she had two days to live. Jessica, get OVER it.

Troy, going for what he called the “Urban Amish” look, admitted to never seeing the show. Come on dude, we all know that’s bullshit. Plus, you sucked. Then there was Charles Moody, dressed as Apollo Creed from “Rocky.” Here was an African American dude singing Italian opera for this audition. What’s wrong with this picture? Exactly.

Trista, the large woman whose claim to fame might be a dead-on impersonation of the Lion from the “Wizard of Oz,” was entertaining only because she kept incorporating that hilarious Lion-meets-Chewbacca noises into her song. I mean, that’s talent. Then vocal teacher Steven proved that you can make money as a vocal teacher in Minneapolis even if you can’t preach to the choir.

Dayna, whose boss flew her out to audition because he believed in her, found out that she sings a bit out of tune, and while the judges almost let her through when they met the boss, cooler heads prevailed.

As they usually save the craziest ones for later in the show, the grand finale began with Jason, who juggled while he sang. Dude could juggle, but he was an awful singer. Still, when he left the audition room, he started crying and saying that the judges hated him, taking personal shots at each one of them.

Brenna, who sang Queen’s “Under Pressure,” declared that she had a degree in vocal performance.
Boy, did it not show. She then asked the judges how she could improve, and Simon accurately replied, “Leave.”

After a tribute to Minneapolis native Prince, in which they showed most of the lousy contestants doing bits of Prince tunes, the last one they showed was Josh, who sang Fuel’s “Bad Day.”
Not only did he do this weird grungy imitative thing with his voice, but they asked him to sing Abba to see if he did that differently. And he didn’t. Imagine Shrek singing “Dancing Queen.”

So that’s it. Tonight’s Seattle auditions should hopefully display more talent, but there will likely be more drama as well. The moral to the story is this: folks, if you think you can sing, you probably can’t. But if you’re stupid enough to get in front of Simon Cowell, expect to be ridiculed.

Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t mention Paula Abdul once. She was noticeably tame, but we all know that can’t last. Welcome back, “American Idol,” and welcome back all of you for this long ride.