American Idol in Vegas

Another episode of “American Idol” in the books, and this time they took the show to Vegas for the initial auditions. Seriously now, are these preliminary auditions ever going to end? The producers are getting good at showing us a few really good contestants and more of the crappy ones, which is really what we all want to see at this point, right?

Only 11 contestants made it to Hollywood this time…the ones they showed were 18 year old Mecca, a cute little belly dancer chick who had a great voice; Heather, a young black woman who sang “Redneck Woman”….a bit out of character it seemed, but she had a good enough voice; and Taylor, the dude from Birmingham who has been prematurely gray since he was 15, but had a killer gospel/blues type voice ala Ray Charles.

It’s always amusing to see the gimmicks people will come up with to get on the show….the first dude, Alexis a.k.a. “Dylon” was a rasta wannabe and as it turns out, a vocal wannabe.

Ryan, the kid who started his audition by saying “F–k Yeah,” was obviously just trying to get on TV…he sang/screamed Silverstein’s “Smash Into Pieces.” The best part was Randy Jackson impersonating him after the audition.

There was also Anthony, this very large man who said that he and his girlfriend take in stray animals, and currently have 75 of them. It wouldnt’ surprise me if he had 75 animals in his belly during the audition either. Oh, and he sang terribly.

The Pearson twins looked cute enough but their rendition of a Cranberries song was bizarre, turning their audition into what amounted to a bad Doublemint commercial.

Another of the strangest auditions ever was this Russian kid who was wearing an American flag shirt and sang “God Bless the USA”…..maybe he was happy to be here, but he sure was indignant after failing his audition, saying the judges did not make eye contact with him and that’s why he did not make it to Hollywood. He also claimed to have perfect pitch, which the judges set him straight on. Uh dude, you just plain sucked. Welcome to America.

Finally, the one I thought was good that the judges did not, was Jason, who has a day job as “Pepe,” taking tourists on fake Italian boat tours at a Vegas hotel. Randy, Paula and Simon…I’m sorry, that dude had a good voice…you just couldn’t see past his Pepe persona.

All in all, a bit uneventful compared to some of the other stops on the American Idol freak tour…..but just as I say that, I’m afraid of what tomorrow in Austin holds. See you then….

Didn’t Tortelvis already do this?

Perhaps you kids remember the great band Dread Zeppelin who mixed Zep covers up with a splash of reggae and fronted by the great Elvis impersonator Tortelvis. If not, go look them up, it’s a grand time, indeed (they’re still around, too). Boy howdy then that another group has decided to mine the Zeppelin gold. This time around it’s a group called Lez Zeppelin, and they’re ready to rock you all over. I say this is a crap idea. Not for any other reason than the fact that we don’t need another Zeppelin tribute group when Dread Zeppelin was the epitome of that niche already. Plus, Dread had the whole Elvis/reggae twist to the songs. This is just going to sound like another Zep cover band, and when it comes to those, I’ll just stick with the original item, thank you very much.

Never trust twins

Or, never trust people from my home state of Tennessee. Seems those Brittenum twins in the new season of “American Idol” have been axed. If you guessed a prior criminal record for the split, you win a prize. Yep, Terrell and Derrell landed in the pokey for identity theft to buy a Dodge Magnum. All I can say is good riddance. In case anyone hadn’t noticed, that Boyz II Men type of bullshit “R&B” has been dead for quite a while. Thank these two morons for fucking with the law and killing their own careers. Justice prevails once again.

Read the rest after the jump...

American Idol by the Bay

So last night definitely proved one thing. Two hours of “American Idol” is overkill. One hour is just right, so thankfully we only had to endure 60 minutes of the extremely good and extremely bad performers (mostly bad).

The first two contestants in San Francisco had opera backgrounds…..Hawaiian Jessica Simpson wannabe Heidi was like a female version of Adam Sandler’s “Opera Man.” Then this dude tried to do an opera-inspired version of a Gladys Knight song. Are you kidding me?

Some of the highlights were John Williams, a military dude who did a weird Michael Jackson thing but somehow got through. Jose, this dude who sang really well but why the hell did he keep snapping his fingers? Shawna, the 16 year old girl whose dad was in a rock band, was just good enough, but the real winner of the Frisco auditions was a girl named Katharine….if Simon says “absolutely fantastic” you know she is good, and she really was. Look for her to land in the top 12, she was that good.

Ah, and the crap….there was plenty of that as usual. This dude who called himself “Wolfie” thought he was Clay Aiken but looked and sounded more like an accountant. There as a chick who said she quit her job to go audition, but when she sucked Simon Cowell was nice enough (did I just say that?) to call her ex-employer and get the girl her job back.

Some other lowlights were Marcus, who could only sing and rap in falsetto…..Debra, the rocker girl with big blond hair who was in desperate need of a makeover…and Manuel, the kid who used hot sauce to warm up his voice and rubbed a good luck charm that he wore around his neck. He had this scary vibrato going on that just wouldn’t stop, kind of like those fake birthday candles you can’t blow out.

Always looking to gain more ratings, Simon walked off the set before the last audition of the day and went back to his hotel….he and Randy were not seeing eye to eye all day long and Randy kept nagging Simon. But fear not, Cowell will be back in Vegas next week, for what I’m sure will be a grueling two hour show again.

And on a side note, since Subway is one of the American Idol sponsors….I’d like to coin-scratch Jared off of my TV once and for all. And is it just me, or is dude getting fat again? The whole world is going low-carb Jared, it’s time for you to catch up.

I’m out.

You oughta know when you need quick press

Is anyone surprised that Alanis Morissette experimented with her own sex in her younger days? Well, that’s what she’s claiming anyway. No reason to doubt her. Not after all those songs and such. But the songs ran out a long time ago and gee, no one’s really given a damn since her debut. Way to go, Alanis, you just bought yourself one more minute. Hooray!

Fitting in with the kids at last

Michael Jackson is having a great time in Bahrain! He was recently spotted in a veil and robe, much like his kids are often dressed in. OK, well his kids are often dressed in mardi gras masks, but you get the point. Of course to go that extra Jackson mile, the getup is a style worn by Bahranian women, not dudes, so maybe that whole thing of getting caught in the ladies’ room and now this is just part of a master plan to finally become a clone of Joan Rivers.

American Idol Greensboro

So American Idol took its show on the road to Greensboro, North Carolina tonight. They said at the beginning of the show that the Southeast has brought us AI alum such as Clay Aiken, Fantasia, and Bo Bice. But for the two days in Greensboro, not that many made it to Hollywood.

Let’s start with the talent that did make it to Hollywood….Kellie, a 19 year old cute blonde whose mom left her when she was 2 and whose dad is in prison, turned out to be very pleasant and have a monster voice. Hallicia was told by Simon that she was a “natural” and even got to plant a wet one on Simon….right on the lips! Ewwwww. Sgt. Steven had the hots for Paula and even slow danced with her to the delight of Randy and Simon. But the best part is we found out he had a wife who was waiting outside the door. He then said to his wife, “It’s okay, it’s Paula Abdul, she can join in too.” I bet Randy and Simon would pay to watch that. Chase, a large feminine dude who resembled Big Gay Al from “Southpark” amazingly got through to the next round. Paris, a singer with a famous grandmother, gave judges and my wife the chills….I didn’t get chills but predict she is a top 12 finalist. And then we found out Simon had a heart when, as the deciding vote on Jordan, the dude dressed as a firefigher, gave him the green light to Hollywood.

The bad ones tonight were worse than usual….a couple of them claimed that they thought they had good voices because they could sing in the shower or when no one was listening. Uh, not good to put yourself into this situation then right off the bat. Shawn, the dude dressed like a waiter, was awful when he tried to sing standards, but the funniest part was his little brother was mouthing off to the camera about how everyone would be sorry. No doubt Shawn has found his agent. Chonna, who was dressed like a stripper and said that her mom used to be a stripper, was awful as well. Other lowlights were Jimmy Crabtree, who Simon said had the “personality of a hippo”……Sammy, the limp-wristed fat dude who sang Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” while shaking his mighty large ass….Ronda, who had a cute speaking voice but looked ridiculous in her pink cowboy hat and then said she wants this “more than a bag of gummy bears”…..Richard, whose ventriloquist dummy had more talent than he did…..Marcus, who said he learned how to sing watching his Randy Jackson/Paula Abdul instructional DVD, then after getting rejected promptly destroyed the DVD right there on national TV….and finally, Ronetta, who was dressed like a hooker and sang like, I don’t know, a hooker? She certainly didn’t sing like a singer, and she took it out on Paula.

The show ended with a “Fame” montage, and everything about that was painful to watch. Again, did this show really have to be two hours long? Tomorrow night they are in San Francisco, and I can only imagine what kinds of characters will be on display. Good night all….

Bigger than Jesus now

I know, I know. Why give coverage to someone you can’t stand? Well, that is always the great question, but I can’t help it. Anyway, Kanye West is posing as Jesus Christ on the cover of the latest “Rolling Stone.” This is actually not very surprising. Many jaded and delusional douchebags have suffered similar flights of fancy. If he’s that damn good, maybe he could make his own music go away forever. And ever. Amen.

He’s just a gigolo…

…and everywhere he goes, people call him an “arrogant, self-righteous a@#” who “smells like an ashtray” and “wants to get fired and take the money and run.”

Guess the new gig’s not going so hot for Howard Stern wannabe David Lee Roth.

Corey Clark – musical weenis

I was watching a VH1 show today and was reminded of American Idol contestant Corey Clark during one of the segments. How easy it is to forget someone like him. Better yet, his debut album apparently only sold 9000 copies. What a kick to the groin that must have been. Or not. There’s a hilarious contest on his webpage in which contestants must create the craziest Corey poster they can. And, he’s still trying to hawk his tell-all book on there as well. What a life. Even better when your debut album goes into the bargain bins a mere two months after it’s released. But don’t listen to just my words. Dig some of these quotes from (mostly) obviously fake reviews on Amazon. The first one isn’t a fake, but is gut-bustingly good, anyway.

“Okay. Nevermind the ongoing debate over whether you like Corey Clark as a person or not. I am a fan of the show and therefore buy all the CD’s that the contestants release…I will buy any follow up CD that Corey puts out and hope I like it better. Whomever produces the CD should taylor songs to Corey’s strengths and vocal style. They just fell short this time.”

“It’s Too Little Too Late! Corey’s CD is being played on the radio as we speak. The one that seems to be most popular is Follow That Back with Kid. The video is being played on MTV now as well as other stations for Out Of Control and the young people LOVE IT!”

“Corey Clark is what is commonly referred to in the industry as a “triple threat”. He can sing he can dance he can write popular material. This point is evidenced in the fact that if you search Amazon for Corey Clark you will find him listed under POPULAR MUSIC. Popular! ”

“Sup to all true Corey Clark fans! If you ain’t heard Corey since the AI then you ain’t heard music! This 5-star extravangaza album signals a new dawn in the age of ryhtmic R&B soul music! It is as if Michael Jackson and Prince and had a love child and it was COREY.”

“Such quality is so nice to hear these days. I have been listening to a lot of new artist and Corey is the one! His music is unique yet pleasing to the ear. His voice is so clear and you can understand everything he is singing. The harmonies are out of this world. Wow! It’s been a long time since I have heard harmonies like these. Each song has it’s own agenda and they are all different. I can’t wait to see him on the grammy’s. So many big artists and musicians on this cd. Corey has it going on! Great job Corey. I recommend this to anyone who likes great music and vocals.”

“Who ever decided to help Corey put this cd together is a genius! SOOOOOO refreshing to hear real vocals for a change. I for one listen to this cd day and night. There are so many songs that are hit quality. I would like to hear more of him on the radio.”

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