American Idol in Vegas

Another episode of “American Idol” in the books, and this time they took the show to Vegas for the initial auditions. Seriously now, are these preliminary auditions ever going to end? The producers are getting good at showing us a few really good contestants and more of the crappy ones, which is really what we all want to see at this point, right?

Only 11 contestants made it to Hollywood this time…the ones they showed were 18 year old Mecca, a cute little belly dancer chick who had a great voice; Heather, a young black woman who sang “Redneck Woman”….a bit out of character it seemed, but she had a good enough voice; and Taylor, the dude from Birmingham who has been prematurely gray since he was 15, but had a killer gospel/blues type voice ala Ray Charles.

It’s always amusing to see the gimmicks people will come up with to get on the show….the first dude, Alexis a.k.a. “Dylon” was a rasta wannabe and as it turns out, a vocal wannabe.

Ryan, the kid who started his audition by saying “F–k Yeah,” was obviously just trying to get on TV…he sang/screamed Silverstein’s “Smash Into Pieces.” The best part was Randy Jackson impersonating him after the audition.

There was also Anthony, this very large man who said that he and his girlfriend take in stray animals, and currently have 75 of them. It wouldnt’ surprise me if he had 75 animals in his belly during the audition either. Oh, and he sang terribly.

The Pearson twins looked cute enough but their rendition of a Cranberries song was bizarre, turning their audition into what amounted to a bad Doublemint commercial.

Another of the strangest auditions ever was this Russian kid who was wearing an American flag shirt and sang “God Bless the USA”…..maybe he was happy to be here, but he sure was indignant after failing his audition, saying the judges did not make eye contact with him and that’s why he did not make it to Hollywood. He also claimed to have perfect pitch, which the judges set him straight on. Uh dude, you just plain sucked. Welcome to America.

Finally, the one I thought was good that the judges did not, was Jason, who has a day job as “Pepe,” taking tourists on fake Italian boat tours at a Vegas hotel. Randy, Paula and Simon…I’m sorry, that dude had a good voice…you just couldn’t see past his Pepe persona.

All in all, a bit uneventful compared to some of the other stops on the American Idol freak tour…..but just as I say that, I’m afraid of what tomorrow in Austin holds. See you then….

Didn’t Tortelvis already do this?

Perhaps you kids remember the great band Dread Zeppelin who mixed Zep covers up with a splash of reggae and fronted by the great Elvis impersonator Tortelvis. If not, go look them up, it’s a grand time, indeed (they’re still around, too). Boy howdy then that another group has decided to mine the Zeppelin gold. This time around it’s a group called Lez Zeppelin, and they’re ready to rock you all over. I say this is a crap idea. Not for any other reason than the fact that we don’t need another Zeppelin tribute group when Dread Zeppelin was the epitome of that niche already. Plus, Dread had the whole Elvis/reggae twist to the songs. This is just going to sound like another Zep cover band, and when it comes to those, I’ll just stick with the original item, thank you very much.

Never trust twins

Or, never trust people from my home state of Tennessee. Seems those Brittenum twins in the new season of “American Idol” have been axed. If you guessed a prior criminal record for the split, you win a prize. Yep, Terrell and Derrell landed in the pokey for identity theft to buy a Dodge Magnum. All I can say is good riddance. In case anyone hadn’t noticed, that Boyz II Men type of bullshit “R&B” has been dead for quite a while. Thank these two morons for fucking with the law and killing their own careers. Justice prevails once again.


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American Idol by the Bay

So last night definitely proved one thing. Two hours of “American Idol” is overkill. One hour is just right, so thankfully we only had to endure 60 minutes of the extremely good and extremely bad performers (mostly bad).

The first two contestants in San Francisco had opera backgrounds…..Hawaiian Jessica Simpson wannabe Heidi was like a female version of Adam Sandler’s “Opera Man.” Then this dude tried to do an opera-inspired version of a Gladys Knight song. Are you kidding me?

Some of the highlights were John Williams, a military dude who did a weird Michael Jackson thing but somehow got through. Jose, this dude who sang really well but why the hell did he keep snapping his fingers? Shawna, the 16 year old girl whose dad was in a rock band, was just good enough, but the real winner of the Frisco auditions was a girl named Katharine….if Simon says “absolutely fantastic” you know she is good, and she really was. Look for her to land in the top 12, she was that good.

Ah, and the crap….there was plenty of that as usual. This dude who called himself “Wolfie” thought he was Clay Aiken but looked and sounded more like an accountant. There as a chick who said she quit her job to go audition, but when she sucked Simon Cowell was nice enough (did I just say that?) to call her ex-employer and get the girl her job back.

Some other lowlights were Marcus, who could only sing and rap in falsetto…..Debra, the rocker girl with big blond hair who was in desperate need of a makeover…and Manuel, the kid who used hot sauce to warm up his voice and rubbed a good luck charm that he wore around his neck. He had this scary vibrato going on that just wouldn’t stop, kind of like those fake birthday candles you can’t blow out.

Always looking to gain more ratings, Simon walked off the set before the last audition of the day and went back to his hotel….he and Randy were not seeing eye to eye all day long and Randy kept nagging Simon. But fear not, Cowell will be back in Vegas next week, for what I’m sure will be a grueling two hour show again.

And on a side note, since Subway is one of the American Idol sponsors….I’d like to coin-scratch Jared off of my TV once and for all. And is it just me, or is dude getting fat again? The whole world is going low-carb Jared, it’s time for you to catch up.

I’m out.

You oughta know when you need quick press

Is anyone surprised that Alanis Morissette experimented with her own sex in her younger days? Well, that’s what she’s claiming anyway. No reason to doubt her. Not after all those songs and such. But the songs ran out a long time ago and gee, no one’s really given a damn since her debut. Way to go, Alanis, you just bought yourself one more minute. Hooray!

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