Author: Captain Capm (Page 106 of 118)

Oh, Britney. Why don’t you just call it a day? I guess marrying that stud and having a kid just aren’t going to work out. And so, Mrs. Federline is looking to hit the road again. Great. She’s also in the middle of recording her new disasterpiece and thinks her new slop could “reinvigorate the marketplace.” Let’s hope not. Let’s hope everyone can just raise K-Fed to pop god status and completely forget about Brit-Brit. Still, Spears claims the current pop scene has “been boring,” and that “Nothing’s been wow to me.” Well, Britney we hate to say it, but we haven’t missed you one bit. You’ve never been wow to me, period. Now go smoke a cig and eat some KFC and shut up.

Well, this will be the sin that sends Scott Stapp to Hell (yes!) at long last. (link now fixed) Stampp and buddy Kid Rock tag teaming a bunch of groupies for 45 ever-lovin’ minutes caught on video. Even though this shit was shot back in ’99, we always knew that Scottie liked his hoochie mamas. This should finally shut up those ever-glowing Christian fans who bow down to Stampp as Jebus once and for all. God damn, but this is too good to be true. Luckily for all of us, it isn’t, and the reality is that you get to watch not one but two pieces of festering turds on the rawk music scene do it in the raw, baby. Now pass me that puke bucket.

Man, I was getting impatient there. But you have to expect the unexpected from Jandek, even after all this time. So imagine how genuinely thrilled I was to see that there are two new releases from the J-Man, and it’s only February. The first is called Khartoum Variations, and the second a big, DOUBLE DISC LIVE SHOW called Newcastle Sunday. And of course, since I own all the other Jandek albums, I happily plunked down a total of $18 for these new CDs. Gee, I wonder what a “Deep Cuts” of Jandek’s would be like. Mmm-mmm! So many possibilities!

A lot of folks think that my owning the full Jandek catalogue is just a joke, but it is not. My owning Frampton Comes Alive! is a joke. Jandek, on the other hand, still continues to do his own thing and will be talked about long after Peter Frampton has died, long after no one gives a shit anymore about discussing Sgt. Pepper. We don’t need any more Beatles books. Now, more Jandek music, that’s another thing entirely, and it will be a gas as usual to see how many albums the man releases this year.

You know it’s a slow news day now, kids. Lisa Marie Presley went and got married again. This time to some guitarist named Michael Lockwood. It’s the fourth marriage for Lisa. Frankly, I don’t think this one will last, either. There’s just something very unsexy about a chick who looks like Elvis. And that damn sneer would just make me wanna slap her silly after about five minutes. I think she should start pounding barbiturates and fried peanut butter samitches to make up for the personal deficits, but that’s just me.

Madonna had a hernia but is fully recovering from it. Remember back in the good old days when Madge would get in the news by being bawdy and naughty? Nowadays she’s in it because her husband sticks her into a shitty movie, or because she’s falling off horses, or just plain getting old. Oh yeah, there’s also the Kabbalah stuff, and not living in the US, and not letting her kids watch TV because of all the horrible stuff on it (like mommy getting sexy in all her old videos), etc. I stopped buying her albums after Erotica. After that she ceased to interest me. Physically and musically.