Author: Mike Farley (Page 63 of 63)

So last night definitely proved one thing. Two hours of “American Idol” is overkill. One hour is just right, so thankfully we only had to endure 60 minutes of the extremely good and extremely bad performers (mostly bad).

The first two contestants in San Francisco had opera backgrounds…..Hawaiian Jessica Simpson wannabe Heidi was like a female version of Adam Sandler’s “Opera Man.” Then this dude tried to do an opera-inspired version of a Gladys Knight song. Are you kidding me?

Some of the highlights were John Williams, a military dude who did a weird Michael Jackson thing but somehow got through. Jose, this dude who sang really well but why the hell did he keep snapping his fingers? Shawna, the 16 year old girl whose dad was in a rock band, was just good enough, but the real winner of the Frisco auditions was a girl named Katharine….if Simon says “absolutely fantastic” you know she is good, and she really was. Look for her to land in the top 12, she was that good.

Ah, and the crap….there was plenty of that as usual. This dude who called himself “Wolfie” thought he was Clay Aiken but looked and sounded more like an accountant. There as a chick who said she quit her job to go audition, but when she sucked Simon Cowell was nice enough (did I just say that?) to call her ex-employer and get the girl her job back.

Some other lowlights were Marcus, who could only sing and rap in falsetto…..Debra, the rocker girl with big blond hair who was in desperate need of a makeover…and Manuel, the kid who used hot sauce to warm up his voice and rubbed a good luck charm that he wore around his neck. He had this scary vibrato going on that just wouldn’t stop, kind of like those fake birthday candles you can’t blow out.

Always looking to gain more ratings, Simon walked off the set before the last audition of the day and went back to his hotel….he and Randy were not seeing eye to eye all day long and Randy kept nagging Simon. But fear not, Cowell will be back in Vegas next week, for what I’m sure will be a grueling two hour show again.

And on a side note, since Subway is one of the American Idol sponsors….I’d like to coin-scratch Jared off of my TV once and for all. And is it just me, or is dude getting fat again? The whole world is going low-carb Jared, it’s time for you to catch up.

I’m out.

So American Idol took its show on the road to Greensboro, North Carolina tonight. They said at the beginning of the show that the Southeast has brought us AI alum such as Clay Aiken, Fantasia, and Bo Bice. But for the two days in Greensboro, not that many made it to Hollywood.

Let’s start with the talent that did make it to Hollywood….Kellie, a 19 year old cute blonde whose mom left her when she was 2 and whose dad is in prison, turned out to be very pleasant and have a monster voice. Hallicia was told by Simon that she was a “natural” and even got to plant a wet one on Simon….right on the lips! Ewwwww. Sgt. Steven had the hots for Paula and even slow danced with her to the delight of Randy and Simon. But the best part is we found out he had a wife who was waiting outside the door. He then said to his wife, “It’s okay, it’s Paula Abdul, she can join in too.” I bet Randy and Simon would pay to watch that. Chase, a large feminine dude who resembled Big Gay Al from “Southpark” amazingly got through to the next round. Paris, a singer with a famous grandmother, gave judges and my wife the chills….I didn’t get chills but predict she is a top 12 finalist. And then we found out Simon had a heart when, as the deciding vote on Jordan, the dude dressed as a firefigher, gave him the green light to Hollywood.

The bad ones tonight were worse than usual….a couple of them claimed that they thought they had good voices because they could sing in the shower or when no one was listening. Uh, not good to put yourself into this situation then right off the bat. Shawn, the dude dressed like a waiter, was awful when he tried to sing standards, but the funniest part was his little brother was mouthing off to the camera about how everyone would be sorry. No doubt Shawn has found his agent. Chonna, who was dressed like a stripper and said that her mom used to be a stripper, was awful as well. Other lowlights were Jimmy Crabtree, who Simon said had the “personality of a hippo”……Sammy, the limp-wristed fat dude who sang Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” while shaking his mighty large ass….Ronda, who had a cute speaking voice but looked ridiculous in her pink cowboy hat and then said she wants this “more than a bag of gummy bears”…..Richard, whose ventriloquist dummy had more talent than he did…..Marcus, who said he learned how to sing watching his Randy Jackson/Paula Abdul instructional DVD, then after getting rejected promptly destroyed the DVD right there on national TV….and finally, Ronetta, who was dressed like a hooker and sang like, I don’t know, a hooker? She certainly didn’t sing like a singer, and she took it out on Paula.

The show ended with a “Fame” montage, and everything about that was painful to watch. Again, did this show really have to be two hours long? Tomorrow night they are in San Francisco, and I can only imagine what kinds of characters will be on display. Good night all….

So thankfully the second episode of American Idol, featuring the Denver auditions, was only one hour. Especially because they decided to focus on the awful performers this time and show just a few of the good ones.

It’s really both funny and sad that they always show someone who proclaims to “be the next American Idol,” followed by an abysmal performance by that person. This time that person was Marlos, a young man who also claimed that they had to let him through to the next round because he came so far to be there. When asked where he was from he replied “Denver, Colorado.” Freaking priceless.

Some of the best performers were Lisa Tucker, Simon said was the best 16 year-old ever to enter the competition any year. High praise from the bitter one indeed. There was the 25 year old guy from North Carolina who had a great voice and was inspired by Bo Bice…Simon didn’t like him but he was outvoted. Then there was Rochelle, who brought about 15 of her family members with her and they spelled out her first and last name with letters on t-shirts….Rochelle cried poverty, saying she was evicted from her apartment recently and that she really needed this. Lucky for her she had a killer voice. And note to Rochelle….maybe all that money spent on t-shirts would cover your rent.
There was also the 18 year old cowboy from Wyoming…dude looked like he was 12 but sang decent enough, even though he openly admitted he’s never sang to people before, only to a turkey.

But the bad performers….well, there were so many, but here are a few highlights….
Tiffany, the girl who sand “I Came For the Party”…she came for the party in a short skirt and started humping the air, and still couldn’t sing. There were two contestants who sang awful renditions of Paula Abdul songs, the funniest moment coming when Simon declared “It’s very rare that I hear something better than the original.” Whether you like or dislike Simon, that was hilarious.

Then there was Nick, who called himself “Flawless.” Nick is an “entrepreneur” and that is only in quotes because I’m sure that’s not what he actually said. This kid was dressed in what looked like pajamas, with a baseball cap that was missing its propeller. What a piece of work.
He was followed by invention boy, who claimed to be a triple threat….singer, dance, actor, inventor….uh, dude, that’s four. Anyway, he couldn’t do any of the above..his floating drink coaster invention was ridiculous…and did anyone notice the security guy whisk it away from Paula? Did they think it was going to explode?

They saved the best for last though, as young Zachary showed that even though you can talk like a girl, dress like a girl and sing girl songs, the sack in your pants has something to do with how deep your voice is…and therefore what an idiot you sound like singing Whitney Houston. When he learned he didn’t make it to Hollywood, Zachary broke out the prejudice card. Prejudice against what? Idiots who can’t sing? Guilty as charged.

Before I go, let me say one more thing. To Ryan Seacrest, Paula, Randy and Simon: STOP SAYING THIS IS THE BEST CROP OF TALENT THE SHOW HAS EVER SEEN. Your show gets good ratings every year. Now shut up and focus on just making the show better.

See you next week in Carolina…..

So season 5 of American Idol began Tuesday night (has it really been around for four years?) and immediately I wanted to puke when Ryan Seacrest opened things up. I mean, who out there thinks the show can stand on its own without this no-talent host? He starts things off by trying to paint this picture of American Idol being part of the cultural landscape in our country–right or wrong, stop being so full of yourselves.

The show started out by showing the first contestants who entered in Chicago, and as always, showcased the best and worst of the auditions. Here are some highlights of each:

Best: The Brittenum twins were really good, but 16 year old Joshua and Jarrett were even better. All moved on to Hollywood. An obviously overweight girl named Mandisa had an incredible voice and was escorted to Hollywood, though Simon joked “Is the stage going to be big enough?” David, a Sinatra type crooner, made it to the next round but the judges were reluctant because the show’s history has exposed these types as being one-dimensional. There was also Gina, a singer from the band Catfight, who surprised everyone by belting out a Celine Dion song really well…and by professing her affection for Simon. Then there was David, the guy who talks to animals and does this weird dancing, and really didn’t sing that well….but they let him through to Hollywood because Randy and Paula either wanted to amuse themselves, or it was a ratings ploy.

Worst: Was it the girl who sang “Blue Moon” and kept stopping? The dude that Simon told to shave his beard and put on a dress? The deputy sheriff who came dressed in his real work uniform and sang “I Shot the Sheriff” terribly? Erik, the kid who Simon said “sang like an Aunty,” prompting the kid’s grandmother to want to kick Simon’s ass? The chick who they had to keep bleeping out? The 16 year old girl who was too tan for Simon, but couldn’t sing anyway? The dude dressed like the Statue of Liberty who started singing “Start Spreading–” before Simon said “ok, that’s enough, thank you”? Or Derek Dupree, the one who proclaimed he was the next American Idol, then sucked badly? Actually my vote goes to him, because not only did he segue from “Shout” to XTC’s “Nigel” in a frightening way, but Ryan Seacrest brought him out to the street to get a second opinion and two people laughed at him.

The show ended by showing some atrocious versions of the same song, Patti Labelle’s “Lady Marmalade,” and how every contestant that auditioned with the song butchered it equally.

Boy, I can’t wait to see how the Denver contestants do…..or not. Either way, I do have to say, is there a good reason for a 2 hour premier?