Most men hate Valentine’s Day, but we at Bullz-Eye actually love it, though for different reasons than you might suspect. The majority of us are either happily married or in long-term relationships (except for our fearless, terminally single leader), so Valentine’s Day is a sweet reminder of how happy we are that we’re no longer playing the dating game. (It’s fun when you’re young, guys, but trust us, you won’t miss it.) But the real reason we love Valentine’s Day is because it gives us an opportunity to make fun of songs that pretend to be heartfelt, but are really just sad. And we don’t mean “Brian’s Song” sad. We mean Milhouse Van Houten sad.

It all started with a Coldplay song. As we’re tapping along with the drums, we put the lyrics under a microscope and thought, “Did he really just say that? That’s pathetic!” From there, we began analyzing other songs that appeared to be sweet, honest confessions of love on the surface, but were just sorry cries for help in disguise or, worse, disturbing preludes to what a defense attorney would call “crimes of passion.”

We have broken our subjects down into three categories: stalker anthems, love songs for the spineless, and murder ballads, the last of which are mostly minus the ballad. Our research uncovered dozens upon dozens of songs that fit one bill or another, but for the sake of time and space, we’re whittling the list down to our favorites (all apologies to Elton John’s “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”). And, as a public service, we have provided musical antidotes for every song we dissect, in case anyone is overwhelmed with a case of the willies. Perhaps the most disturbing thing we uncovered is that one of the more sinister repeat offenders was…Barenaked Ladies? You better believe it.

Now I’m following you: Songs that profess a more “dedicated” kind of love
There are certain songs that love you. Like, really, really love you. Wait for you at the elevator love you. Watch through your window as you sleep love you. Whether you love them back is irrelevant – you were made for them, and it’s only a matter of time before you accept this to be true.

Song/Artist: “It’s No Good,” Depeche Mode
Incriminating Lyric: “The gods decree, you’ll be right here by my side / Right next to me / You can run but you cannot hide.”
Creep Factor: Low. Dave Gahan ranks just behind Jarvis Cocker on the list of least intimidating rock stars.
Musical Antidote: “You’re No Good,” Linda Ronstadt

Song/Artist: “Number One Crush,” Garbage
Incriminating Lyric: “You will believe in me / And I will never be ignored.”
Creep Factor: Admittedly, the lyric sheet reads like a diary entry written by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction,” but if you have a thing for sulky redheads in raccoon eye makeup – as many of us clearly did in the ’90s – the song is really sort of adorable.
Musical Antidote: “Puppy Love,” Paul Anka

Song/Artist: “Obsession,” Animotion
Incriminating Lyric: “I will have you, yes I will have you / I will find a way, and I will have you / Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly / I will collect you and capture you.”
Creep Factor: Too turned on to be creeped out. Keep in mind that one of the next lines is “Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?” so if we’re just talking about casual sex, wouldn’t you rather it be with someone who’s a little nuts and willing to role play? You bet your ass you would.
Musical Antidote: “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,” Jermaine Stewart

Song/Artist: “I Will Possess Your Heart,” Death Cab for Cutie
Incriminating Lyric: “You reject my advances and desperate pleas / I won’t let you let me down so easily.”
Creep Factor: Holy shit. Most of the time, Ben Gibbard sounds like a harmless nerd, but with this song, he let us know that he’s just as capable of making us wonder if we should call the cops.
Musical Antidote: “Let’s Be Friends,” New Edition

To read the rest of Songs That Bare Their Souls and Freak Us Out, click here.