Last night’s “American Idol” was, thankfully, the last round of the initial auditions before we head to Hollywood. Seven cities in four weeks, and what they did last night was essentially filler–a few great auditions and a few nut jobs from each city that they saved for one episode. Whew. After about two or three of those first shows, I’m begging for them to speed things up and get to Hollywood. Thankfully, we’re there and things usually move quickly at this point.

First, the freaks from last night…

26-year-old Luke was this really large dude in an even larger white T-shirt, and he sang George Michael’s “Faith” horribly out of tune. Simon said something about the “massive T-shirt” being too much, and he pretty much said what I was thinking.

21-year-old Tiffany McCampbell was a church choir singer who just shouted through her entire audition.

Then there was Ashley, 19, along with twin brothers Chris and Corey. Ashley is this cute blond who was dating one brother and then now, the other..I’m still confused by the whole dynamic, and I’m even more confused at why the brothers still like each other. Anyway, they all auditioned. First the brothers, who did some rap (one the beatbox, the other the rapping) about why they were better than last season’s Brittanum twins. If it weren’t for the rapping dude forgetting the lyrics, it wasn’t all that bad, but not good enough for Hollywood. Then Ashley took her turn, after letting Paula and Simon hold her dog (what is she, Paris Hilton?)….Ashley thought she was talented, but as Simon correctly pointed out, it was “excruciating.” Simon added that Ashley is probably used to getting what she wants, and she even agreed. Next..

Jay Smoove, whose real name was Joshua (or something), sang his own song, “Beautiful Lady,” to Paula, of course. Dude had big teeth and otherwise looked like Tiki Barber (by the way, how’d you like to be that dude right now, after watching his former teammates win the Super Bowl without him?). Anyway, it was all trills and Simon called it “catchy,” with tongue firmly in cheek.

Here were the Hollywood hopefuls….

Amy Davis, 25, sang “Blue Bayou” and was not all that great. However, she had big boobs, and it was pretty clear that Simon and Randy were not listening closely to her voice. Heck, maybe Paula too.

Cardin McKinney, 20, is a waitress at a Nashville fondue restaurant, and she sang “One Night Only” from “Dreamgirls.” Simon didn’t quite like Cardin, saying she wasn’t really a pop singer. But Randy and Paula let her through.

Joanne, 21, a plus-sized model who was very proud of herself and definitely set a good example for people who struggle with being overweight, was also a pretty good singer. She had a surprisingly thin voice though, which Simon clearly didn’t like. But again, Randy and Paula voted yes and Joanne is heading to Hollywood.

19-year-old Alicia sang Celine Dion’s “Surrender” and sounded more like Dolly Parton. My wife said it, and then Randy Jackson said it. Simon called it “dreadful,” and Randy thought Alicia might be better suited to sing a Dolly song…so they let her go and learn one. She came back and sang “Islands in the Stream,” and it wasn’t half-bad. Simon said he really wanted her to suck, and he was disappointed that they had to let her through.

Chikeze Eze, who definitely gets the award for best name so far, sang Luther Vandross and was really good. He had auditioned last season and didn’t make it, but obviously has practiced a lot since then.

Finally, there was Danny Noriega, another contestant who didn’t get past the first round last year because of nerves, sang “Proud Mary”…it was weird because here was a dude who seemed very effeminate, but sang like a manly man. And he had a really good voice. I don’t know why, but I have a funny feeling about this kid.

They then looked back at some of the auditions from the past four weeks, and 164 made it to Hollywood from the 100,000+ that tried out. Wow, those are long odds, aren’t they?

Put the top down people, Hollywood here we come!