If you’re like me, you are getting weary of the initial round of “American Idol” auditions, and ready to kick this thing into Hollywood gear. After a while, it’s really just the same thing over and over again.
You can sing, or you’re a freak. Last night, they took us to Miami, where the producers predictably shoved Gloria Estefan references down our collective throat. And the auditions, pretty much, were not that good. Let’s start with the freaks…

Shannon McGough was one of the oddest contestants ever…she was an 18-year-old girl with an Irish last name and fair skin, but with what looked like Latino parents. And those parents owned a meat shop that Shannon also worked in. What’s more, she was adept at belching. Yes, belching. It was pretty funny, really. Shannon tried to sing Janis Joplin, and as Simon eloquently put it, it sounded like “Hungarian Janis.” I can’t put it any other way…it was just weird.

Some dude sang Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock” but inserted Paula Abdul’s name into it instead of “Rock.” Next.

Simon told this dude named Grant that he should come back in a dress, and it would make his audition better. Then this kid named Richard sang a Rascal Flatts song completely through his nose. The best part was when Randy Jackson attempted to imitate poor Richard.

Then there was Julie, who was a contestant on the off-shoot “American Juniors” show in 2003 at the age of 12. Julie was quite full of herself, especially for a 16-year-old. She sang “Me and Bobby McGee” and as Simon pointed out, was very “precocious.” It was all just too much style and not enough vocal.
But Julie kept pressing, surprised that they could actually turn her away.

Finally there was Brandon Black, who was a comedian/singer/strange dude. He sang “I’ll Make Love To You,” directing it at Paula, and it was an assortment of trills and technique, with no real vocal substance.

As for the good performances, there were a few really good ones, and a few that left me wondering what the judges were smoking…

Robbie, a 25-year-old former boy band member, sang Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” and was awesome.

Then came Ghaleb, who should have been turned away based on his name alone. Go ahead, try and pronounce it. I think Simon called him “Mark.” Anyway, this 27-year-old Latino was all shouting, and Simon said he would have enjoyed it more if he was drunk. Then, Paula and Randy let him through. I have no idea why. Simon even suggested that someone check Paula’s cup…and I agree, drunk Paula is back!

Brittany and Corliss were two very large women who were in love with Randy and Simon, respectively. Corliss sang some show tune and Brittany, who was the better singer, sang “My Guy” directed at Simon. Nothing like buttering up the judges, but they were both good singers and advanced. Watch those buffet lines in Hollywood.

Suzanne, a 21-year-old single mom, wanted a better life for her daughter, and so this one had all the makings of a horrible audition. But she was surprisingly talented, singing Bonnie Raitt. The judges made note that Suzanne had a really sexy quality to her voice, and she really did.

A young Filipino woman named Ramiele was like a ball of fire, and even though she was short in stature, had a huge voice.

Saisha Mercado sang Aretha Franklin…very risky, and although she shouted most of her audition, was allowed to advance. Toward the end of the show, they were whipping through the coverage of the auditions, but two more that they showed quickly who stood out and advanced to Hollywood were Nataisha and Ilsa. Nataisha was old school and very good, but I didn’t get Ilsa at all.

In all, 17 out of 10,000 made it to the next round. That’s not very many. Next week they go to Ryan Seacrest’s hometown of Atlanta. Expect lots of boyhood photos and crap like that. But most of all, if my calculations are correct, it should be the last one or two episodes of opening auditions. Let’s hope so. See you next week…