Hey, if you’re not sure who’s been nominated for this year’s Grammy Awards, then Rolling Stone has a complete guide for you. Personally, I can’t recall the last time I really got excited about the Grammys. It was probably back in the early ’80s. I can’t be bothered to enjoy most of the nominees, but I’m sure someone out there is happier than a pig in slop. But really…where’s all the good stuff?

I had never heard this song before this posting, so please enjoy it heartily like I did. This is “She Needs To Get Some” by Ray parker Jr. featuring Father MC. The title speaks for itself. The visuals are strictly late ’80s/early ’90s crap.

Not too long ago I recall discussing Rod Stewart with my older brother, and making fun of him for having such albums as Blondes Have More Fun on 8-track and other Stewart biggies of the ’70s like Atlantic Crossing. He revealed to me that he wasn’t into those things too much himself, but the chicks loved hearing it and it was a good way to get laid at the time. Ah, the ’70s. Nowadays you have to go to great lengths to get some easy sex, like lying to women in online chat rooms about your wealth and penile length. But I digress. Let’s now dig in to the greatness that is the video for “Tonight’s The Night.” My favorite moment has always been right after the first chorus where Rod put his finger up to his lips in a “wait a minute, there’s more to hear” move. What a cornball. (For the record, I think Rod pwnz on the Jeff Beck album Beck-Ola).

Hank Williams Jr., he of Monday Night Football’s theme song fame, continues to be a badass pop culture icon whose influences span decades and genres. Williams is celebrating the 25th Anniversary of his classic track “A Country Boy Can Survive” with a remastered and remixed version of the song, and the track has already generated a quarter of a million plays on MySpace.com. Personally, I like the MNF song better, but this song portrays Hank’s longevity quite literally. Here’s a link to the song if you want to check it out for yourself.

New York City. The Big Apple. The Heart of Culture.

You’d think the largest city in our nation would produce more good singers, right? When it comes to “American Idol” auditions, the answer is a resounding “no.” New York City had just as many duds as every other city on last night’s show, and just as many freaks. Let’s go to the videotape….

As usual, we’ll pluck out some of the talented contestants. Sarah Burgess, who made the trek from Ohio to audition, was extremely emotional after passing her audition….mainly because she lied to her dad and told him she was staying over a friend’s house for three days because he would never let her audition. But did you see her bawling as she called her dad to tell him the good news? If I was that dude, I’d be fearing the worst…like, “Dad, I’m pregnant and I’m in jail.”

There was the cute Barbie-doll looking friends, Amanda and Antonella, who sang awful as a duo but separately had monster voices. Some of the other standouts were Jory Steinberg, the chick who sang “Chains”…I have a funny feeling about her, like she could be top 12. Then there was Porcelana, who they showed training every day for a year (ala Rocky) just to get in shape for this audition. But as the judges reminded her, it was important that she could sing as well. Lucky for this ball of spunk, she was good enough.

Rachel, an 18 year old with opera training, tried to sing Jeff Buckley, then also gave the judges (which by the way included hit songwriter Carol Bayer Sager) a taste of her opera….all equally impressive, and as she pointed out, she can do it all, giving her the potential to go far in the competition.

Finally there was Chris Richardson, who I think is this year’s Eliot Yamin (the Donnie Hathaway song gave that away), and Nicholas, who made the Hollywood round last year but flamed out when he forgot his lyrics. This dude is on a renewed mission, and he sounded awesome last night. Look for him to land in the top 12 of guys.

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for….the masters of suck….

The first contestant they showed, Ian Benardo, was this flaming dude who sang “Gloria.” Dude had such an obvious New Yawk accent, that mixed hilariously with his gay dialect: “Cawling Glawria….” But what made Ian worth the price of admission was his blasting of Simon Cowell, asking Cowell to see his working visa. What a loser.

There was Ashanti, who has a good name for pop music, but sang horribly. This was her third audition overall with the show, and she again showed why she just can’t advance to Hollywood. But to add insult, she kept whining to the judges and was such a drama queen that it was painful to watch.

With only (haha) two hours, the producers didn’t have time to show us everyone, so they gave us a few clips of other duds. There was a guy in a spacesuit, a dude with blue hair, and a dude who looked like a girl (isn’t there one of those every season?).

Nakia sang “Dancing in the Streets” and she was such a ball of energy that her enthusiasm overshadowed her vocals. When the judges asked her to sing a ballad, her flaws were exposed.

Sarah Goldberg admitted that she was tone deaf, but thought that the judges should give her the opportunity to go to Hollywood and teach her to become the next American Idol. Are you kidding me? Like I can show up at spring training for the Yankees and demand that they teach me how to be a shortstop.

Chris Henry sang a Kelly Clarkson tune and it was obvious that he would be better off with a dress and stilettos. My wife said it, and then Simon said it, as if on cue. Finally there was Isadora, whose real name starts with a “J” but one she would not disclose. Annoyingly, Ryan Seacrest kept calling her Julie. Oh, and did I mention she sucked?

Paula called Simon an ass. Yawn.

That’s all we’ve got this week, folks….next week brings the show to Birmingham, a city that has produced some “American Idol” winners and hopefuls like Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, and Bo Bice. Surely this musical hotbed will put New York City’s auditions to shame. Well, one can only hope.
See you next week…

…the video for “Twisted & Bent,” by the Trash Can Sinatras:

Last night, thanks to George W’s State of the Union Address, we only had to endure one hour of “American Idol” and its Memphis auditions. That meant less Ryan Seacrest, less fluff, and more meaty auditions. And of course, there were more contestants being discarded like bad meat. With all of the lousy singers attempting to become the next American Idol, you get the feeling that the well of good singers in this country is drying up. Fast.

But first, let’s review the contestants that actually DID sing well, hence moving on to Hollywood:

This dude named Sundance Head, who admitted that his parents were hippies and gave him that crazy name, is also the son of Roy Head, who had some success on the pop charts a few decades ago. Genes aside, dude sang his ass off. Simon said he’d be surprised if Sundance didn’t make the finals, and added that he “blew Taylor (Hicks) out of the park.” Wow, strong statement and an unnecessary jab at the reigning champ.

Sean Michel, who looked like a cross between Osama Bin Laden and a homeless dude (Sean’s own reference and an accurate one), did a Johnny Cash song and was barely good enough of a vocalist to allow the judges to look past his appearance. Look for this guy to flame out in Hollywood very early.

Then there was Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer from Nashville who looked terrified and admitted to being as scared as she looked. Then she opened her mouth, and (you heard it hear first) sang her way into sure stardom. Her version of “For Once in My Life” was so incredible that I’m predicting a top five finish right here, right now.

The last contestant to earn a ticket to Hollywood was Phil, whose wife decided to give birth to the couple’s second child while Daddy was waiting in line to audition. And while both of the songs he chose showed a man who started off shaky, he found his tone and pitch just in time, and was voted on through. Dude gets additional props for admitting that the birth of his child was a bigger thrill than auditioning for the show.

For the lousy auditions, well, nothing surprises me or any of you anymore….

First, there was Frank Byers, the cheerleader coach who brought along his entire squad to cheer him on. He was okay, but had this cabaret quality about his voice that turned the judges off instantly.

Sixteen-year-old Timika talked and sang like she had a mouth full of marbles. Simon admitted that he couldn’t understand a word she sang, and it’s likely most of America couldn’t either.

Christopher, who goes by “Topher” instead of “Chris,” had an obvious crush on Paula, and went on and on about his ex-wife, even calling her a bleeping “bitch” on national TV. Aside from the fact that dude has been eating too many Big Macs, his version of “Footloose” was not quite good enough to advance him to Hollywood and make his ex-wife jealous in the process. In fact, her attorney might be on the phone to ol’ Topher after that blast aired last night.

Janita, who had her melons dangling out of her dress like key chains, proclaimed herself to be sexy but she was, as Simon so accurately pointed out, “a handful.” Randy called her version of “Disco Inferno” “bad karaoke” and that’s pretty accurate. Now put those things away, Janita.

Of course, they had to pay tribute to Elvis somehow, but thankfully they didn’t beat King references to death. When Robert attempted “Burning Love,” and I mean attempted, the producers launched into a series of bad contestants trying to sing the same tune. One dude even pulled a sock out of his pants, to symbolize the “hunk of burning love” in his pants. What are we coming to, people?

Tonight we have the New York City auditions, and I’m sure you all can’t wait for the freak show that will no doubt ensue. See you tomorrow….

Ready to have some Jimi Hendrix energy? If not, that’s too bad because Beverage Concepts’ “Liquid Experience” drinks are debuting this April. Yep, the non-alcoholic beverages are inspired by Jimi, and of course, this has peeved some fans such as Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers who said,

“To see his image and the beautiful feelings it has created during my lifetime cheapened by base advertising … is very disappointing to me.”

Yeah, damn it all. Another dead celeb gets used in a product. Boo-hoo. I’m still waiting for the Kurt Cobain Special Edition 12 gauge Remington or a Jim Morrison brand of whiskey.

First Crowded House decide to get back together, and now James is following suit.

Well, there’s two of my favorite bands from the ’90s. Surely this means a Jellyfish reunion tour is imminent…

…but, by God, I’ll go see a reunited Crowded House, anyway!