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New York City. The Big Apple. The Heart of Culture. You’d think the largest city in our nation would produce more good singers, right? When it comes to “American Idol” auditions, the answer is a resounding “no.” New York City had just as many duds as every other city on last night’s show, and just as many freaks. Let’s go to the videotape…. As usual, we’ll pluck out some of the talented contestants. Sarah Burgess, who made the trek from Ohio to audition, was extremely emotional after passing her audition….mainly because she lied to her dad and told him she was staying over a friend’s house for three days because he would never let her audition. But did you see her bawling as she called her dad to tell him the good news? If I was that dude, I’d be fearing the worst…like, “Dad, I’m pregnant and I’m in jail.” There was the cute Barbie-doll looking friends, Amanda and Antonella, who sang awful as a duo but separately had monster voices. Some of the other standouts were Jory Steinberg, the chick who sang “Chains”…I have a funny feeling about her, like she could be top 12. Then there was Porcelana, who they showed training every day for a year (ala Rocky) just to get in shape for this audition. But as the judges reminded her, it was important that she could sing as well. Lucky for this ball of spunk, she was good enough. Rachel, an 18 year old with opera training, tried to sing Jeff Buckley, then also gave the judges (which by the way included hit songwriter Carol Bayer Sager) a taste of her opera….all equally impressive, and as she pointed out, she can do it all, giving her the potential to go far in the competition. Finally there was Chris Richardson, who I think is this year’s Eliot Yamin (the Donnie Hathaway song gave that away), and Nicholas, who made the Hollywood round last year but flamed out when he forgot his lyrics. This dude is on a renewed mission, and he sounded awesome last night. Look for him to land in the top 12 of guys. And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for….the masters of suck…. The first contestant they showed, Ian Benardo, was this flaming dude who sang “Gloria.” Dude had such an obvious New Yawk accent, that mixed hilariously with his gay dialect: “Cawling Glawria….” But what made Ian worth the price of admission was his blasting of Simon Cowell, asking Cowell to see his working visa. What a loser. There was Ashanti, who has a good name for pop music, but sang horribly. This was her third audition overall with the show, and she again showed why she just can’t advance to Hollywood. But to add insult, she kept whining to the judges and was such a drama queen that it was painful to watch. With only (haha) two hours, the producers didn’t have time to show us everyone, so they gave us a few clips of other duds. There was a guy in a spacesuit, a dude with blue hair, and a dude who looked like a girl (isn’t there one of those every season?). Nakia sang “Dancing in the Streets” and she was such a ball of energy that her enthusiasm overshadowed her vocals. When the judges asked her to sing a ballad, her flaws were exposed. Sarah Goldberg admitted that she was tone deaf, but thought that the judges should give her the opportunity to go to Hollywood and teach her to become the next American Idol. Are you kidding me? Like I can show up at spring training for the Yankees and demand that they teach me how to be a shortstop. Chris Henry sang a Kelly Clarkson tune and it was obvious that he would be better off with a dress and stilettos. My wife said it, and then Simon said it, as if on cue. Finally there was Isadora, whose real name starts with a “J” but one she would not disclose. Annoyingly, Ryan Seacrest kept calling her Julie. Oh, and did I mention she sucked? Paula called Simon an ass. Yawn. That’s all we’ve got this week, folks….next week brings the show to Birmingham, a city that has produced some “American Idol” winners and hopefuls like Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, and Bo Bice. Surely this musical hotbed will put New York City’s auditions to shame. Well, one can only hope.
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