Clear Channel: “Wait, so now we need to NOT suck? I’m confused.”

Turning an about-face on its longtime strategy of attempting to drown radio listeners in a sea of aggressively bland, soulless, identical radio stations, Clear Channel has finally discovered the niche audiences that were there all along.

As part of a new initiative to be announced next week, Clear Channel intends to lock horns with satellite radio, rolling out new niche channels with names like Dank (“Hip Hop and Rock all rolled up into one big spliff”), Full Metal Racket (“It’s dark, it’s edgy, it beats, and it rocks”), and Mother Trucker (“a hearty serving of the best Southern Rock”). Clear Channel will also be expanding its HD radio service to 50 cities, from its current base of 28.

Can this old dog learn enough tricks to persuade people to shell out $200 for an HD radio receiver instead of signing on for satellite radio? Can the American public forgive Clear Channel for its numerous transgressions against music fans all across the country?

Stay tuned to find out.


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