Jewel ready to assault listeners again

After her last album was the first not to go platinum, Jewel returns to business as usually boring for her new platter, Goodbye Alice in Wonderland. Sez Jewel of her fans’ reaction to the 0304 album and its dancey single “Intuition,”

“Anyone that really listened heard a smart record with good storytelling,” she says. “I didn’t fluff out or compromise; if I was going, ‘Ooh baby baby’ or ‘Come on, uh-huh, uh-huh,’ we might all worry about me. But I was getting into electronic music and dance remixes. I can’t believe people didn’t get it.”

Actually, Jewel, if you did sing those kinds of things instead, I might buy one of your crummy little albums.

“The game gets tiring for me,” she says. “I am very committed to this record, but after that, I don’t want to stay as visible. I’d like to put out some smaller records, maybe a jazz standard or a country record. I’ve been competitive my whole life, and now I’d like to work out of my house more. I might even start looking into having a family in a couple years.”

Oh boy another jazz standard album by a boring poppie. I just want to punch her in the mouth so that twisted tooth of hers will finally fall out.

Fiddy lashes out at Oprah

Let’s all start lashing out at Oprah, shall we? Could be fun. And besides, it makes sense. So it goes as well with 50 Cent, who recenlt took a few verbal jabs at the boring talk show host in a recent interview.

“I think she caters to older white women.”

“Oprah’s audience is my audience’s parents,” the 29-year-old rapper said. “So, I could care less about Oprah or her show.”

Well, this is the first time I’ve ever agreed with Fiddy, but there’s always a first time. I reckon it’ll be that last, too.

Keef gets taken to the hospital

Keef Richards is in a New Zealand hospital after suffering a mild concussion. No, the concussion didn’t involve a syringe and whatever he shoots into these days. Apparently he fell out of a tree. Just like the monkey that was dead.

“A newspaper report Sunday said Richards was flown to Auckland’s Ascot Hospital on Thursday after the accident. Hospital duty manager Steve Kirby would not comment on whether Richards was a patient there, citing the hospital’s privacy policy.”

Get well soon, Keef. Something tells me your veins are having a good time at the doctor’s, though.

Seriously, Pete, what the f*ck…?

Pete Doherty – late of the Libertines, more recently of Babyshambles – has now firmly established his position as a complete and total fuck-up…so much so that even people in the US who don’t know a lick about his music will soon know him as “the guy who shot one of his fans up with heroin while she was unconscious.”

Are the pictures real? And if they’re not, why would you fake something like that…?

Audio streams for Neil Young’s upcoming Living with War album

Neil Young has never been one to keep his mouth shut when he sees something that displeases him, be it political (“Ohio”) or corporate (“This Note’s For You”). His forthcoming album, Living with War, which debuts in digital format on May 2 and on CD soon thereafter, is an entire record dedicated to the current state of the world. And we have a link to audio streams of the entire album.

To check out Neil Young’s new album, click here. Get your protest on!

Fiddy-Jacko collab a hoax

Not that I was holding my breath, but 50 Cent/Michael Jackson song arranged by DJ Whoo Kid is all a bunch of baloney. Kid claims that he doesn’t know who made the story up and is as perplexed as anyone else out there by the news. Still, that doesn’t stop Jackson from denying anything. Of course, his career has coasted on speculation and bullshit for years now, so he’s used to it. He’s just as likely to record a duet with any imaginary friends he’s picked up in Bahrain. Gee, remember the good old days when Mikey would duet with McCartney, Jagger, or…E.T.? Yeah, those were some great times. Who knew?

All that’s left to get in her way is that nose

Wa-hey! It’s almost time for summer, kids, and you know what that means. That’s right, hot summer tours featuring all your favorite headliners like Ashlee Simpson! Get ready because Simpson’s gonna kick off a 32-date tour on June 5, so get your tickets now. Will she lip sync? Will she fall prey to laryngitis after one song? Will she collapse from fatigue from just walking out onto the stage? Will she blame her band for all of these things? Only you can find out if you have what it takes to see The Nose on tour! I think I’d actually go if someone gave me a free ticket, just to have a great tale to tell the grandkids later on. Knowing Simpson, she’ll probably find a way to say she tripped over her nose and will have to cancel all remaining dates because of the shame.

Kanye does Coachella

Not to be outdone by the middle aged Material Girl, opportunist Kanye West has decided to play Coachella as well this year. It’s sure to be a treat for all those Tool and Sigur Ros fans. Make no mistake. If you want your shit pimped out, you want Kanye to do it. Everyone knows the man’s turds are as golden as anything else he creates. It’s just too bad that our fave Scotty Stampp won’t be there. He coulda got up there with Depeche Mode and sung “Personal Jesus” with them. No matter. I’m sure West will be bucking to do just that as well.

Mick Jagger stars in ABC sitcom pilot

mick

You loved him in “Freejack”…and now, with any luck, you might just get to see budding actor Mick Jagger securely nestled on ABC’s fall primetime schedule each week, as he recently finished shooting scenes for a new sitcom pilot for the network.

The comedy is tentatively called “Let’s Rob Mick Jagger,” and stars “The Tao of Steve’s” Donal Logue as the janitor in a posh Manhattan high-rise who, over the course of the 22-episode season, will devise and then execute a plan to burglarize the Rolling Stone singer’s apartment. Think serialized TV in the vein of “Lost” and “24,” only executed as a comedy. And starring Mick Jagger as himself.

Let’s hope his newfound status as a TV star will allow that man to finally break out of his shell and meet some women.

Snoopy arrested

Snoop Dogg’s in trouble again. No, not for making another terrible straight to DVD flick, but for causing a row at Heathrow Airport when he wasn’t allowed in a first-class lounge. Snoopy hurled bottles of whiskey and argued with the staff to no avail. Apparently no one at Heathrow gives a shit for the Dogg. Rightly so, too. I mean, if he was in Right Said Fred, he would’ve gotten in no prob, I’m sure. But the UK ain’t down with the chronic pimp, yo,

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